Unlocking the Swinger Lifestyle: No Experience Required!

Remember the first time you walked into a party where you didn’t know anyone?

Well, imagine that party is full of naked people, and you have no idea what to say, do, or expect.

Feeling nervous?

We get it. Let’s talk about how to break into the scene with confidence.

Welcome to Swinger University. I’m Phoebe. And I’m Ed.

Today we’re going to talk about how to break into the lifestyle. And it’s a topic that we’ve touched on a number of occasions, and now we’re going to dedicate a full episode to it because it occurs a lot.

And everyone wants to know what to expect and how it works. And let me tell you, it’s not as overwhelming or as crazy as your brain has made it out to be. It’s a lot more tame than you think, depending on the party or the club.

but it’s definitely not walking in the door and being attacked by individuals and dragging you off by your hair.

Yeah, I remember our first conversations before we went to a lifestyle party, and that was your biggest fear, was just kind of being attacked as soon as you walked in the door. And it was not nearly that exciting, the first couple parties that we went to. It was actually very boring from the standpoint of our participation in what was going on there.

Largely, we were ignored.

Yeah.

Now, our area is different because we don’t have clubs. There is a club, one club, two in San Francisco. One is a Swinger Club and the other is a BDSM Queer Club.

We didn’t go to the BDSM Queer Club because we were told there’s too many males there, single males, and it’s too raucous, and it’s too crazy. And now things have changed over the years, and they do care more towards Swingers. Whether it was really that or not, I don’t know.

But once again, the narrative that gets pushed out around, you just never know. So it’s worth checking out the clubs and talking to as many people as you can if you’re nervous before you want to go.

Now, we will fully acknowledge that the swinging lifestyle and parties in general feel very clicky, and they can be very intimidating. Obviously, we were intimidated by the proposition of walking into the unknown, not knowing what was going to happen. And they can be a little hard to navigate, like knowing exactly what the etiquette is and how people are going to act around you. And that’s tricky. And that’s exactly why we started our podcast so that we could help people navigate all of this.

If you’re going to go to a house party, a good house party host will know that you’re new. They should be able to identify on the adult dating platforms that you are new. If it’s not obvious, please tell them. Because a good host will show you around. They will introduce you to individuals and make you feel welcome.

You really do need that point person. And if it’s going to be the host, then it’s going to be the host. And like I said, if they’re a good host, they will keep checking on you throughout the night. Sometimes the host will introduce you to one of their good friends. And then now that becomes kind of your point person. And they’re happy to kind of hold your hands, so to speak, throughout the evening, check on you and answer any questions. Right. Right. We didn’t really have that in the beginning. In fact, we didn’t because we were going to our local promoters events and they were huge. They were huge. And the demographic was completely different. We were like young babes. Deer and headlights. The age gaps were massive. And we just felt like we were in the wrong spot. Yeah. And I’ll throw in a tip right now. And that is if you are going to your party for the a party for the first time, you’ve never been before. Reach out to the host beforehand and tell them that you’re new. Or when you arrive, walk up to them and say, hey, we’re new.

So why is breaking into the scene so hard? Well, one of the first things is you’re dating again. So you’re relearning how to flirt, how to approach people. And we’ve done episodes specifically on how to handle flirting and how to handle the approach. So check those out. But the other thing that’s really challenging is these are brand new social circles and clicks. And I hate to use the word clicks because it’s not that they’re clicky. It’s that these are people who’ve hung out with each other before. They’re familiar with each other. They met at a previous party. They see each other. And you know what? We like to hang out with people who we’ve met before because then we don’t want to be in the same place.

And then we don’t feel so alone. So it’s just scared people huddling together so that they don’t feel scared anymore. That’s what it all comes down to. But it looks like a click from the outside. So how if we suck at flirting, then how did how do we learn that? How do we overcome that? You have no problem flirting. I sucked at flirting. Yeah. Well, how did I overcome that?

I think our best tip with that is just walking up to people and introducing yourself. And because this isn’t so much trying to impress people but just letting people know who you are and what you’re all about, you can feel a little bit less intimidated by it because you’re not

trying to score with them, but you’re kind of trying to score with them, so to speak. It’s really finding out if there’s chemistry. So you just talk to them. Talk to people. And most people are very friendly. And if they’re not interested, they’ll just move on. Yeah, we gave ourselves homework in regards to that. We gave ourselves, I think we even just said, let’s just talk to one person because we were so terrified. And then we’re like, okay, that was easy. Let’s do three next time.

One of the other things you can do to help alleviate some of your stress before you go to a party is read up on the club ahead of time, find out what their etiquette is, find out if it’s got any suggestions. So once again, reaching out to your host and talking to them ahead of time to find out any information that they might offer. And a lot of times, they’ll just go, oh, it’s really casual.

It’s very laid back people are very friendly. We’ve had a usual crowd heck. I’ll introduce you to a few people The clubs also have fact pages. So it’s really easy if you’re going to a club. It’s really easy If you’re going to a house party

They’re not gonna have that information unless you get it from the host. Yeah, and most clubs have really strict rules about Almost everything there if it’s an established club because they don’t want people Unsure of what’s gonna happen. So they try and spell it all out ahead of time exactly First impressions matter you put this down, but I guess they matter but I always give people a second and third chance Yeah, we do for sure, but I think that walking up to somebody for the first time Dressing well dressing appropriately for the event makes a good first impression And I think if you went to a themed event and you weren’t dressed in the theme That might come across as you being kind of standoffish or you know, not a team player so to speak right, and I think if you equally so if it’s a Sexy kind of little black dress and dress nicely kind of a dress code and you come in and like shorts and a t-shirt And there’s holes and stuff. It’s definitely gonna make an impression and people are gonna go, huh? I guess they don’t care that much about their appearance and so we’re not gonna make a good impression But I will still say dress to your comfort level. I Think I may have even gone to an event in a turtleneck so be

stretch those boundaries As as far as your comfort will take you I picked a little back black dress that revealed my shoulders, but not cleavage and For me, I thought that was a nice feature. I could show off for the first little black dress event It wasn’t as revealing as everybody else But the number one thing was I was comfortable and by because I was comfortable I could be myself and engaging in conversation Absolutely. And just because it’s a swing of event doesn’t mean you have to go in and like full slut mode, right? right, like I mean some people love to and do and they’re confident in that and I Embrace it absolutely, if that’s how you feel comfortable then Go for it. You’re certainly gonna make an impression and people are definitely gonna be approaching you Because of that energy that you’re going giving off it. It just exudes confidence and sexuality. So have fun with it Newbies can sometimes come off as overly eager or hesitant and I think if you if you look scared people will pick up on that if you look nervous if you look like you’re not on the same page if you don’t look like you’re maybe excited but but nervous I Think people read that as maybe being not interested or not on Not into it. Mm-hmm What’s another way of saying that that you may be coerced into it or that you’re In it because your partner wants to do it and you really rather not be there and I think People pick up on that and it’s a little bit of a red flag for a lot of people and I would say if you’re You’re nervous that that’s it very endearing I I can still connect with people that are really that are nervous and new and and Honest about that then I can with somebody that doesn’t give me anything to feed off of right So if you’re really quiet and reserved, it’s it is difficult to get to know you and read you so I’ve said to Ed many times I I I I like them they They they were pleasant with the first greeting, but I’m not getting anything. I’m not I can’t read them I don’t know where they’re at and When I can’t do that, I don’t know where I stand and I really like to know where I stand with somebody before I Move forward. Yeah, and I think a lot of that comes down to just being Up front with you being nervous. It’s our first time. We’ve never been here before What are you a little shy right? Yeah, I’m just saying you’re shy. Yeah gives you kind of a Out. Yeah, I’m more outspoken. My husband’s a little more shy. I’m the flirt. He’s more reserved or whatever, right? And then you you can play to that and people will giggle and laugh and oh, yeah I was the same way blah blah blah blah blah whatever exactly it’s letting people know how you feel It’s letting a little bit of your personality come out instead of letting them guess What’s going on with you? Yeah. Yeah, 100% and We kind of alluded to this at the very beginning and that’s expectations Right what you think happens at a party versus what typically happens are Usually not the same thing now if you’ve heard stories or if you’ve listened to our podcast before then You probably have a pretty good expectation of what’s going to happen But if you’ve never heard anything about a swinger party It’s not nearly as exciting as you think it is. There’s usually a lot of conversation with people There’s usually some loud music. There’s some people who are drinking and there may or may not be some playtime Yeah, it depends on the night and the venue and who came to the party. It’s it changes all the time so the really the your best bet is just repetition just Go we went I think once a month for a while. Yeah And the more we did it the easier we got at talking with individuals and kind of getting the lay of the land so to speak Absolutely. And the biggest thing is don’t put too much pressure on yourselves and don’t think that you are Committed to anything just because you showed up And if you have a game plan with your partner ahead of time so communicate with them ahead of time then you’re better prepared for what might come and You know have a couple different scenarios played out in your head in terms of what you would do in different situations But know that no one’s going to attack you It’s all pretty vanilla for the most part until you get into the playrooms and then in the playrooms Yeah, things happen. You might even just decide Hey, we’re we’re just gonna go and and observe and we’re gonna tell people we’re gonna meet people and introduce ourselves But we’re going to say we’re not playing tonight But we’re we’re new we’re not playing tonight But we are interested in getting to know people and we want us we want to see what the playroom is like

Yeah, but tonight’s our first time so it’s a little overwhelming and we’re not you know That way it sets the tone and whether you want to play or not you just adhere to that I think we did that one time and I went in saying I want to see what this new venue is like But I don’t want to play I’m let’s just decide we’re not gonna play right right even if we change our mind Let’s just decide we’re not gonna play Yeah, so and it helped because it takes the pressure off

Yeah, so let’s let’s talk about a couple different scenarios that have happened. So you’ve mentioned dress code and

Was there ever an occasion where you showed up at a party and you felt out of place? Because of what you were wearing or what you weren’t wearing Yes because The crowd that was there at this particular house party Was a very they were very familiar with each other a click if you will A large group of 20 people had descended on this party. They all knew each other and it was probably oh, I don’t know 60 people at this house party. So a good portion of them Knew each other and they had decided they’re just going to show up in lingerie like from the get-go, right? No warm-up. No, no No, social lubricant nothing. And so a lot of women were running around in lingerie from the get-go and were one of the women came right up to me and said, why are you wearing that and started tugging at my clothes and like Because that’s what I came in. I mean this This wasn’t the theme of the party. It’s nice that you’re in lingerie and you’re comfortable doing so right away But I’m not So it was it made me feel very out of place. And then of course her behavior was Shaming behavior or shaming comment and I didn’t appreciate that. So that just threw me off the whole night yeah, so the the lesson to take from that of course is It’s consent you don’t have to do something just because that’s what the rest of the group is doing and it’s Perfectly fine to dress however you want at a party as long as you’re not offending people I would say Your choice of clothing is perfectly fine Yeah, 100%

Another example I’ll throw out is about single guys and we’ve had Some really good experiences with single guys. We’ve had good experiences with single guys who we’ve heard stories about bad stories about

But I’ll say that the the key difference between single males that we’ve had a good positive experience with versus the negative are how they

approach couples and how they approach the situation.

If they’re chill and they’re there just to talk and they don’t appear too eager and it’s clear that they’re not hunting, that comes across so much better because you can let your guard down. You don’t feel like you’re going to be attacked or pastored.

And the guys that did that, the guys that pastored, the worst example was at EG and there were glass doors on this one particular playroom and the guys were literally banging. That wasn’t pestering. That’s just rude behavior. That was rude behavior. It’s just not showing respect, aka rude.

It’s a perfect example of how behavior will shape how people interact with you. There’s no way that guy was ever going to get led into that room. His actions definitely put him on the outs and potentially at places like that might get you banned. If you’re not following that social etiquette of what’s expected and people are complaining about you, you’re not going to last very long in a lifestyle.

I will say some people do like a more aggressive male. They need that. I’ve had my lady friends say that. I really need a guy to be aggressive. He needs to come forward. He needs to be confident. I need that.

That’s not necessarily my thing. It depends on what you define as aggression and what turns you on. Different things turn different people on. While I say one thing, it is from my perspective, but my girlfriends say a little different. I can see the kink of literally an aggressive male, but I would tend to think that an assertive male, someone who’s very clear that they’re attracted to you and that they’re interested and they pay attention to you is different than an aggressive male, which comes up, grabs you by the hair, drags you out through a room. That’s what I’m talking about. More the assertive forward, like I see you, you’re sexy. I really want you. I’m here for you if you want to use my body.

That sure, game on. That’s hot. That’s hot.

For sure.

Be very clear that there’s a fine line between being assertive and being cocky and then just being a jerk.

Play that card carefully. Maybe get some experience just being nice and having good conversations and then figure out if your flirt game is strong enough where you can get away with something like that. I will say there is one guy in the lifestyle. He’s a single male. He’s very attractive. I do like him, but every time I see him, he’s so standoffish that once again, I can’t get a beat on what’s going on. I don’t want to be the aggressor or the instigator, if you will. I want him to do that and he’s just so passive. I’m like, it’s just not going to happen. You’ve absolutely had that experience with women too where they’re so quiet and so reserved that it basically comes across as them not being interested. Yeah. Which is kind of a shame and some respect because we’re like, “Oh, we were really hoping to get to know them much better.” In the spirit of this episode where you’re trying to break in, that’s something to think about in terms of how you come across to other people. If you come across as too aggressive or too shy, you’re not going to make a very good impression and people aren’t going to be able to get to know you.

Engage them in conversation. Just remember, you don’t have to be shy. You don’t have to be scared of having a conversation. Talking to someone does not mean that you have to sleep with them. This too is where the consent comes in and being able to read people.

Let’s just say being very forward is your style and you get a different reaction, a body reaction from a woman. She kind of pulls back a little bit or steps back.

As a guy, you could say, “Oh, I apologize.

Was that too forward for you?” You prefer a more gentle approach. What would you like?

That’s where that consent starts to play into things like, “I would like this. What would you like?”

Asking what people desire, what makes them comfortable, what they’re willing to reveal. A lot of people just don’t do that.

It’s really sexy when you can get comfortable saying those types of things. For sure. I think the other aspect of that that is really key is being able to read the reaction of your potential partner. If you can involve in that dance and they can see that you are responding to how they’re acting, that plays really well into the bedroom too because then they know that they’re going to be able to pick up your subtle nonverbal cues, your body language, and what’s working and what’s not working. I have another example. Oh, boy. That was great. I know. It’s such a good example though. On the dance floor, remember the guy that took my hand and kneeled down and kissed it? I remember that was very sexy. You definitely liked that. I loved that. I was just instantly turned on. Now, if I was someone that didn’t like that, I might pull my hand away and then he would know immediately. Oh, I went too far. Then you apologize and you reset. Because he got such a good reaction, my hand extended more. He was spending more time on my hand as I was looking down at him on his knees. I was like, “Okay, you should probably get off the floor now because I’m going to be down on the floor and this is a dance floor and we need to go somewhere else to do what I want to go do.” That’s right.

There are rules in certain places about what you can do in different places.

How do you get in? What’s the right way to get into this experience?

We’ve talked about it a little bit and that’s research before you go. Learn about the club, learn about the house party, figure out what the dress code is and the etiquette. Yeah, read the rules, read the fact page, ask friends in the dating forum or other random people in the dating forum. Or a social community that you happen to participate in. We got a thing. Ask about the party beforehand.

We had a couple ask us about Twist, which is a club near us. We gave our review. We told them what we’d experienced before and now they’re interested in going because they know a little bit more. I give people too an honest review of what I’ve heard others say. Other people have their opinions so I throw their opinions in there too to just give it a little more balanced review. We tend to be very balanced or try to be with our reviews because we could have been on off night. You never know.

One of the other things that we’ve recommended and that’s if the pressure of getting into the lifestyle is too much for you, going to a play party is too much. It can be.

Go to a meet and greet first. Go to some kind of a social event. Maybe it’s a barbecue. Maybe it’s a pool party. Who knows what it is.

If there isn’t a play room or there isn’t onsite play, then some of that pressure is relieved because you know, okay, I don’t have to make that decision tonight. I don’t have to navigate that particular aspect. I can just go meet people and see how freaky they really are. Yes. I wish we had that when we first started because that would have alleviated a lot of pressure for me because then you don’t have to say, oh, we’re not playing tonight. You don’t have to say it. It’s just not an opportunity because the venue doesn’t allow for that and the meet and greets are perfect. And then you’ve, you’ve, you’ve connected with some people and you find out where they like to go. And then you just show up at the next thing that they’re at. Now if for example, you live in an area where all the clubs have a play area, then just don’t go in the play room. Yeah. Stick to the dance floor.

Talk to people at the bar, mix it and mingle and just treat it like a meet and greet, treat it like a social event. You don’t have to go to the play room just because they have it there. What about the places, some places in the Midwest don’t have clubs and house parties are either they miss. Yeah. Or they don’t exist or because of their profession, they can’t play locally.

A lot of those people will drive out of town or fly all the way to Mexico and go to desire and or go to Hito. Yeah. So that is an option that is a very expensive meet and greet. But if you’re looking for a good.

vacation and you just consider it as like an all inclusive adults only vacation and you just plan on not playing and just meeting people.

Sure. There are a lot of people who got into lifestyle just because it was a naked place and you could go hang out and kind of treat it like a nudist resort. It does work that way. It does and it’s very low pressure. I will say the cruises are also very low pressure. Absolutely. That’s another great place to meet people and see things and have experiences and conversations and without the pressure. Yeah.

They’re like a vacation, but there’s extra stuff. So oftentimes there will be classes, there’ll be conversations that happen, they’ll be facilitated things to help you kind of break the ice and get used to the environment and the lifestyle without actually having to participate in the lifestyle other than the social aspects of it. Right. Yes. Both the resorts and the cruises will do that. They’ll have classes and meet and greets and things like that to kind of bring everyone together.

Another tip, be approachable and not pushy. So start conversations with introducing yourself and keep it low key. It’s no different than any other party in terms of meeting people. Everybody’s there to get to know other people and to meet new and exciting people. So just treat it that way. Yeah. Read the room, when to flirt, when to back off. We kind of covered that with a single mail. It applies to pretty much everybody. Yep.

And over time you will build a reputation either as the pushy person or if you do it well as someone who’s fun and respectable and maybe even a cute couple and you can see the chemistry. So even if you just cling to your partner the whole time and it’s obvious that you’re very much in love with that person, that’s a really good selling point. We’ve gotten a lot of feedback when we first started that people were comfortable around us because of how connected we were. Yeah.

Just being a good partner is also very sexy to other people. Yeah. Somehow it’s safe. It communicates safety to others, I guess because you’re out to steal somebody else’s partner and that’s a fear. Yeah, for sure. And I also think it shows a little bit of respect. Yes. And it shows that you have the right mindset for it. Yeah. To ignore your partner, which is kind of a red flag, you’re there together. It’s a partnership. And it shows how you are demonstrating, we were demonstrating how we treat one another and that was attractive because other couples then can see that and say, “Oh, I like how they treat one another. That means they’ll treat us the same way.” Right. Because remember the cowboy guy? Yes. Remember the cowboy guy? Was treating his wife, oh my gosh, so poorly, demeaning her and telling her what to do and trying to rip her clothes off. And it was horrible and I thought, “Oh, hell no. That guy’s going to be a nightmare in the playroom. Run away, run away, run away very fast.” Yeah. And they were a hot couple and we were absolutely interested in them until we started interacting with them. Yeah. And I was like, “Nope. That was it.”

That was going to happen. So that first impression, they built a reputation in our minds of being, “Hmm.” Yeah, we never saw them again. Interesting.

Not really, but… And I’ll say this last thing and that’s that the no pressure attitude is a winning attitude when it comes to the lifestyle because people don’t want to feel pressured and they don’t feel like they have to perform, especially if they’re new. So if you’re an experienced couple putting pressure on new couples or even other couples who are experienced, maybe they’re not in the mood that night. That assertive nature versus the aggressive. So it’s that very balance between pushing it too far. Right.

Leveraging online communities. We talked about this a little bit too.

Being in the Swinger forums, the adult dating forums, your Telegram groups or Facebook groups or Messenger groups or Miwe’s or all the other Discord groups that you may be part of. Reach out, talk to people, get their advice, ask them where they’re going.

And then maybe you want to vet the people before you go to an event or you meet them.

We didn’t have as much luck dating off of the adult dating site as in going for drinks or going for dinner.

It just wasn’t successful. We preferred the parties because there’s 60 people there or 80 or 100. So if you don’t connect with someone, at least there’s a bunch of other people that you’re connecting with.

Yeah, and I would say that the one-on-one dating or two-on-two dating or two-on-one or one-on-two. Anyway, however you decide to do the dating thing, it’s very much a long, slow process to find somebody that you connect with because you got to set the date up, you got to go on the date, you got to determine whether you like them or not. You probably want to give them a second shot because the first impression is not going to be very good. So you go on the second date, that may or may not go well. And then by the third, right, so now we’re like a month and a half into it versus a party or an event or a meet and greet, you can kind of move around the room and you can get to know people, give them a little bit of break, come back to them later in the evening. They still make a good impression even though they’ve had a drink or two or they’ve had multiple conversations.

That’s pretty good. But I have met a few couples that have had great success. Absolutely. Dating and they liked it. They liked the slower speed. That’s not for me. So it’s going to vary depending on what you like and you won’t know it till you try it. Absolutely.

So to wrap up a little bit.

I would encourage everybody to get out there and try something new. If you’ve never been to a lifestyle event before or you’ve never experienced the lifestyle and the people who are involved in the lifestyle, get out there. Every experienced swinger was once a newbie. We were newbies at one point in time. It seems like forever ago.

But we all have to start someplace.

People weren’t just born into this. You kind of have to work at it. It’s so much more than sex. It’s all about the connection. Talking to people, meeting people, having a good social interaction with them. Heck, we’re kind of like a big club, a big group in all getting together and talking about our favorite hobby. Mm hmm. It’s not usually all about the sex. For us especially, now that we’ve been in it for a long time, it is all about getting to know people and hanging out with those people who we’ve made connections with. Sometimes it’s about the sex, but a lot of times it’s just so relieving to go into a room with open minded, friendly, sexy people and have great conversations and a lot of fun. Yeah. And there’s really no barriers to any type of conversation you can have.

People sometimes even talk about religion and how they navigate that while being non-monogamous.

Politics doesn’t usually come up. Sometimes you find out about it and it could ruin it. Another couple for you. So just be careful with that one. But I would say the religion could be a safe topic. It came up in a class at HEDO, how to navigate that and the challenges with whatever religious affiliation that you have. So you can find some comfort perhaps in talking about that with other people as well. Yeah, at least in terms of navigating your personal guilt with it or how maybe your conflicting feelings with it for sure. Yeah. And the biggest takeaway from all of this is be patient, be respectful and be open to new experiences.

And pretty soon after you’ve had some conversations and you’ve met some people, you’re going to start to feel like you belong, like you’re part of the club. Mm hmm. 100%. If you like our show, please continue to listen, subscribe, tell your friends. And if you have a comment or you want to share a personal story about how you got started in the lifestyle, your newbie experience, or you’ve got a great tip for people who are new, maybe you’re in a particular area where there’s an opportunity that you’d like to let us know about, you can visit our website at swingertuniversity.com. You can leave us a voicemail at 916-538-0482 or on…

our website, you can actually leave us a little voice message. It’s got 90 seconds worth of recording. We will happily listen to it and reply to it either directly or on the show. So if you want to be on our show and you want to leave us a little message, visit our website. And if you’re interested in some spicy behind the scenes, uh, videos, pictures, stories, and this on Patreon.

Thank you for joining us and thanks for listening.