Navigate New Relationship Energy NRE – Without Breaking your Marriage!

Swinging can reinvigorate your relationship it can also trick you into thinking the grass is greener.

Today we’re talking about new relationship energy or NRE…

Are you addicted to it or are you afraid of it?

Welcome to swinger university I’m Ed and I’m Phoebe

We’re talking about NRE or new relationship energy.

All right so first let’s let’s kind of define what NRE is for those who do not know what it is or you haven’t dated in a long time it’s a term talking about those intense feelings of excitement attraction and euphoria that people experience at the beginning of a new relationship or even a connection with people so you talk to that hot person at the bar and all of a sudden you start to get the butterflies in your stomach and the feels start to happen oh god the feels you also really want to spend more time with them and there’s some science behind this right a lot of this primarily it is hormones right it’s your dopamine your oxytocin and your norepinephrine because i can’t say that word and i had to say it i always get the big complicated latin words that’s right so that gives you that like ed said sense of euphoria and a massive chemical rush

yeah and we’ve experienced it anytime we’ve gone to some big social event or or

party and we’ve really connected with that new couple you do get that like instant attraction kind of a thing and you’re like oh this is fun kind of that chase the hunt and the more you talk to people and the more you bond with them those hormones start reproducing and you start having those hormones produced in your brain more and more often so you do start to build that that chemical bond to that other person right so everyone knows this from when they were dating their partner or many partners and it can last from anywhere of six months to about two years ours lasted about two years i think but we were also swinging while we were

during this whole time so we were just like supercharged supercharged supercharged supercharged yeah we’ve kind of had this like after burner effect for most of our relationship because

we had that initial like we were hot for each other just it happened and then swinging at the same time so we would get a like an additional lift with more hormones and i think our brains didn’t really separate the difference between who was inspiring the hormones it was just this is great i know that’s awesome so when you find yourself in a long-term relationship after nre energy dissipates because it does you get used to being around one another right um you getting that back means you need to reintroduce some of the novelty back into your relationship um activities gestures and places um you’re having quality time again or seeking out quality time this is going somewhere so bear with me uh you start reintroducing date nights right yeah yeah most experts say that you you really do need to set aside time for your own relationship and and kind of pretend like you’re dating again right and and kind of reintroduce those patterns and another thing that we’ve talked about recently the two of us especially with places and activities is this concept of disabituation so you get into this habit of doing the same things every day and you do the same things with your partner all the time and it’s it’s the rut right like it’s a different way of describing what that rut is right and just breaking out of that normal pattern of activity or behavior is sometimes enough to kind of

break those feelings apart and reinvigorate things right so staying curious and communicating with one another maybe some deeper communication ask some interesting questions ask some random questions i’ve been asking you random questions lately over the last oh two or three months yeah which have been kind of fun yeah just out of the blue and be vulnerable most people are with their partner especially that they when they’ve been with them 20 30 years but it’s sparking those deeper conversations or things that you haven’t ever talked about and making sure you’re appreciating your partner yeah that gets hard sometimes bringing them flowers sleeping on their side of the bed for the first five minutes of the evening to warm it up you can tell it’s it’s flannel time so yeah i’ve been pre-warming the bed yes and making new couple friends right to bring some some you know energy back some some spark so all of this

also sounds like swinging right so the same rules for bringing back nre to your long-term relationship is the same thing and happens when you’re swinging yep absolutely all of that the novelty of it the quality time with your own partner staying curious communicating being vulnerable sparking communication appreciating your partner reconnecting reclaiming and making new couple friends i was like okay this is all the same stuff so cosmo should just say if you want to keep your relationship fresh start swinging right right yes now there’s there’s kind of a we’re talking about the the cheery side of it and how to reinvigorate those emotions but as we kind of alluded to at the intro sparking nre especially in a swinging situation can kind of confuse you as to where those feelings are coming from heck yeah so yeah now we’re talking about external relationships relationships outside your primary relationship or your main partner and now we’re going to start talking about some of the fears of nre and what that can do right right so for us we we kept other couples at an arm’s length right because we were new we started swinging while we were new before we were married to each other and so other couples getting close to us was too threatening for me it felt threatening for me so i didn’t want any any one of us getting the feels with another couple right now we’re 10 11 12 years in and we want those deeper connections we want a little more intimacy we’re not looking to be polyamorous but we want deeper richer connections yeah and i think a lot of it really came out through keeping the all the relationships very casual so that that arm’s distance was basically like we talked about in our last episode a lot of dtf stuff so we would show up at an event we would meet couples and if we had any kind of interest in them and they were attractive to us they were sexy then we just kind of take them to a playroom and play with them for a little bit and then would be like bye see you later that was it that was the whole thing right and we would see them at the next house party and at the next event it’s a small community so we would always see them we just never did anything outside of the party it had a very specific confines right there we only met them at parties and that’s what that was and it was a really shallow depth too like we didn’t get much deeper than hey how you doing good to see you again like we talk about things but it wasn’t like how are you feeling like we didn’t talk about stuff like that it was just we really didn’t know a whole lot about them either because we were also really afraid to ask too many important or questions because we were always told you know you know it’s secretive no one wants to be outed we don’t share your profession you don’t talk about your family you don’t talk about politics it’s like good grief what the heck am i supposed to talk about there really wasn’t left anything right and then the other rule of like keep it sexy you don’t talk about yeah you don’t talk about the kids you don’t talk about the family you don’t talk about that kind of stuff because it’s just it’s not sexy so you had enough communication to to to know them well enough to to drag them into the bedroom so at at what point did we start experiencing some of this nre feels going on oh so oh so we’re getting where we get that there okay so we’re years into our experience and just what was it last year yeah yeah just this last year 11 years in 11 12 years in by now and we decided hmm let’s try a single male and that primarily was sparked because i had started up an onlyfans account and people wanted to see a third and i said hmm well that’s something i hadn’t considered and so i thought well let’s have a conversation let’s let’s let’s give it a shot see what that looks like now we’ve had single males in a in an orgy situation or at a party right but we’ve never sought one out had them over had an experience this was a very active thing that we were doing yeah very specific in the the onlyfans thing really did kind of kick that off as a as a conversation starter but we set up a date with one gentleman and you were attracted to him so it was fun and exciting and he was really attracted to you so he was sending you you know all of the energy right at you right and that date went really well we didn’t end up bringing him home but we ended up with you two kind of making out right there in the bar yeah and it was hot it was a lot of fun he was really excited about the whole thing like you could tell he was just like oh my god he could barely contain himself he was literally shaking from from the the energy the the hormones and energy was just coursing through his hands and he was just shivering in fact his hands were cold right because that’s how like nervous he was yeah yeah he was awesome and how were you feeling about that whole thing very powerful i have control you did you had that guy wrapped around your something it was fun yeah it was fun it was exciting it was you were definitely pushing like all of his buttons i know it was it was neat yeah yeah you know in a nice way i’m not like you know evil but it was no it’s it’s sexy it’s hot right like you get to experience that like oh somebody’s attracted to me thing and when we were first dating you had been dating for for a period of time you were you were out of your divorce and you were basically playing the field and you really did like that attention that people kind of i guess reinforcing that you were attractive and giving you that validation that you didn’t get when you were married right because it was a sexless marriage so i felt very on a you know unwanted so it was nice to be wanted yeah so this interaction with this single male kind of gave you that same sense of energy and so you hadn’t felt that

since we started dating right so it was 10 years later boom you’re you’re jump start those those hormones again all of those feelings and with a new attractive guy yeah i think it’s challenging to to allow myself to feel that with another couple because i’m always very concerned about making sure the woman is comfortable and i never want either partner to feel like they’re being

separated or feeling left out right and it’s it’s tricky to go all in with those feelings when you’re dating another couple or courting them in the pool at a resort because it’s like you never really know if both of them are on the same page and it it’s challenging

yeah and i think a lot of the dynamics with relationships with other couples with you know two couples interacting you really are kind of being very delicate because they have their dynamic and you don’t know what it is and you have your dynamic and so you you want to be respectful of whatever that relationship is so we haven’t experienced a lot of that nre with another couple i think the closest we had was you’ve had it twice that i know because it always triggers me

when you would because usually what happens and this is where talk about this because i’m curious what you think happened this is where it goes sideways a little bit where you’re making a connection with the female and you’re just making out it’s like all on you’re just like

right yes all in it yeah yeah and i’m standing there right and so me and the mister are like huh wow they’re really going at it so it’s awkward i’m feel awkward in that position so i’m always really reserved about going all in with the guy if i’m feeling it because i don’t want the misses to feel awkward it’s interesting that you kind of quantify or qualify that interaction because i know exactly which interaction that was

that that was nre i hadn’t thought of it that way i had thought of it as just being really hot make out session and i didn’t really it wasn’t anything past that so and for me it was very surface level it didn’t have those kind of deeper things it was just it was just a hot moment and i was just in it i was living in the moment yeah it looks like nre to me because it’s it is a make out session yeah and i think maybe that’s maybe that’s the the trick with other couples seeing their spouse their significant other having that level of involvement that level of like intensity intensity triggering the thoughts that it’s nre and that they’re like having feelings for that person because it is such an intimate deep intense moment right but see i i didn’t i don’t think i had those feelings i definitely didn’t think about her afterwards i thought about the interaction for sure but i wasn’t like she wasn’t like always on my mind i wasn’t you know away from it what i we’ll talk about the uh the next guy the next single guy and some of the feelings that you had there because i think it started to tread into that you started to think about him all the time you started to yes yes and so we’d we’d had another date with another single guy and brought him home and we filmed that session yeah oh my god looking hot it was so hot it was really we have so much footage of that interaction it was so fun it was so organic and i love to just sit and watch those because it’s hot it’s fucking hot i love watching myself have sex i actually love watching myself masturbate after i’ve recorded it it it turns me on it turns me on too yeah so i’m i’m overly thankful for for that footage so even if y’all don’t have a fan account just do it for fun oh yeah because you can keep it and you know re-watch it so so that guy because it was so good and so intense and he was so attentive and you know it’s different i i thought wow okay i want to do that again i’m like again

it’s like it’s like a disney ride oh yeah for sure and and i i remember that night pretty vividly like we tried a whole bunch of stuff he was very laid back he was easy going he was like i’m here on on this is your dime so to speak like this is this is all for you use me however you want to use me and and we had a good time we had a great time that night

what were some of your feelings afterwards though because you you we had that one interaction and then right we met him at a bar um a local downtown bar yeah and it was it was like a blues night or a jazz night i can’t remember which which band was playing but uh great music we were sitting there drinking uh i think his brother was there so it was a little interesting yeah and yeah what was going so that was different because he’s on my left you’re on my right he’s cuddling up next to me he’s standing so he’s getting closer to me we’re on bar stools so you and i can’t be like as close because he’s standing so he’s snuggling up next to me he’s holding my hand and lacing his hand in between my fingers so it feels like a new relationship right the touching the things that people do uh when you’re dating he’s nuzzling my neck and at some point oh and then he asks me what i’d like to drink so these are all very

dating like behaviors yeah so it’s starting to feel good but it’s also a bit

odd because it’s you’re my husband you’re sitting right here like right that usually these are separate boxes in my life and both boxes are now blending which is a bit challenging and then oh wait did you want yeah yeah and i was gonna say when we first started dating and we started talking about swinging and the the whole concept of kind of being on the hunt right for other partners for you was very that’s outside the box i’m in relationship box now yeah that box is kuger box where i’m out hunting yes and you had a really hard time going i can do both and i i tried to reassure you a bunch of times they’re like look it’s okay like i i get it like you’ve you’ve got to be a little bit in predator mode so to speak right to to like hook up with another couple yeah and and that’s not threatening to me because we’re doing it together so like we’re both doing it and and i know a lot of people in the community don’t like the term hunting or

you know vanilla hunting or any of those things because it sounds it does sound predatory but you know what we’re talking about it’s just that in active pursuit of new sexual encounters new couples to interact with right right and so then as the evening’s progressing

we’re flirting more and at one point i believe you went to the bathroom we’re we’re going to leave there was a discussion about would you like to come over right and so he was when you were in the restroom he came up to me helped me with my coat on and pulled me close and we were just making out right there in the bar just the world stopped i didn’t care who saw i didn’t know who was around i didn’t care if i was blocking traffic we’re just making out right and it was really hot yeah it was really hot and so then i you know we’re like all right back at the house see you in 20 minutes oh we we go i remember we got in a car and i’m like oh my god are we doing this oh i’m so nervous i’m excited you’re like yeah let’s let’s do it let’s go so then we get to the house and we had another really great time we didn’t choose to film that episode uh but it was fine we didn’t need to film all of them and then i found myself because this i don’t know how how far apart they were there maybe two weeks in between each yeah it was like a week or two weeks it was pretty close together yeah and so now i found myself thinking about that exchange frequently right

it was on my mind and i couldn’t wait for the next exchange and so i go on walks and i think about it i was working i was thinking about i mean i was thinking about it all the time yes and that started to bother me after about two to three days and i i thought it’s gonna dissipate it’s gonna dissipate i’ll be fine after three days we were on a walk and i i remember telling you i was nervous to tell you yeah yeah because you didn’t know how i was going to react to that and we we’d never had this happen before so this was all all new territory oh yeah completely new territory yeah and so i said this this is bothering me because i i can’t stop thinking about that exchange and i want to do it again and it’s it’s disconcerting to me because it feels like it’s interrupting my my life with you it’s in our box now it’s in my house because it’s in my head right it’s not separate it’s not out at a resort it’s not out at a party it’s not an experience it’s it’s this reoccurring memory feeling that’s going on over and over again yeah you’ve in a sense you’ve you’ve triggered all of those hormones you’ve triggered all those behaviors and so now your brain like any good addiction yeah wants to keep doing that over and over again because it feels really good it the the hormone hormones are incredibly powerful oh yeah and it was altering my mind definitely and i knew that thank god and i remember telling you thank god i know what i know about hormones yeah and my mental capabilities and my emotions and all the things i know about myself to know enough to go that’s okay those are just the hormones talking right that’s not real um this too will pass yeah 100 i think that the podcast your research on all the hormones when we were doing the hormone replacement therapy episodes really gave both of us a solid grounding in terms of the impact of hormones and all of the you know physio chemical reactions that are going on even my own experience with some of those hormones right well all well the progesterone estrogen and testosterone oh absolutely all of those triggering stuff um really really powerful and we’ve talked about in previous episodes about this kind of like addiction with hormones and that that kind of like high that you have and in in a lot of respects it can even influence your ability to consent so hormones are really powerful if you put hormones on the same level as substances like alcohol and ecstasy and any of the other drugs that have a an impairing effect on your ability to consent that says a lot about how strong hormones are oh yeah hormones heroin right there let me just the two h’s yeah and this these are why um psychologists only prescribes they’re trained in that way they they start you off at really really low doses say you’re suffering from depression they’ll start you really really low and they step you up slowly why because you need to ease into those changes right right and they take you off very very slowly my my ex-partner was severely depressed and he did he they stepped him up very slow and brought him down very very slow it was very calculated because you can’t mess around with that stuff yeah yeah rapid shifts and hormones can can have a really crazy effect on on your brain and your physiology hundred percent yes so what’s the solution to all this besides listening to our podcast and learning all about hormones and what’s going on

what else well the solution to all of this is having some realization and awareness about that these are not true feelings these are just your hormones and have the appreciation uh that

for yourself and from somebody else that this feels good this type of attention does feel good right right especially when you’ve been in a long-term relationship it’s it’s nice people recognize different things in you people will recognize different things in ed than than what i recognizing you on a daily basis or have in the past and it feels good to hear those things because for people we’re we’re humans we we like strokes and pets and acknowledgments yeah and then make sure you’re talking about it with your partner too that realization and awareness bring it bring it forward have a talk yeah and i think this this particular realization awareness and and these specific points really speak to why we don’t recommend swinging for every couple so if your relationship is struggling if you’re having some issues if you’re not communicating well if there’s kind of underlying stuff this these hormones this nre is the wedge that will crack the rest of that foundation oh yeah so we’ve seen it happen with 100 we’ve seen it a lot happen a lot not like a majority but we’ve seen it enough times with with couples who were like you know that that weird couple in the corner that you see at the parties and you’re like they’re not communicating very well or he’s always off flirting with somebody else and you never see the wife around or they swap husbands and wives we’ve seen them swap permanently like permanently swap right yes like they got divorced and remarried their others right very much letting the hormones which really messed with my brain because I was like wait because you see them a year later right at the next event and you’re like wait weren’t you with I know you were with him and he was with her and they’re like oh yeah we we switched and I’m like huh yeah so it’s real it’s definitely real the the other technique that we’ll throw out is really taking time away from that relationship so when we were talking about how frequent that that interaction had been yeah having a bigger break in between to kind of let the hormones dip a little bit and and reconnect with your partner really does help it it kind of evens things out and you get kind of you’re not high anymore right right you let the high dwindle yeah exactly and create rules between the both of you like maybe that maybe that is one of your rules to say hey after we have a single male over no more single males for another month or or different single males or not the same single male right keep keep the rotation going yeah if and that’s the important part is identifying how you react because once you know that you just work with it and then you have that communication with your partner and you work with those feelings and emotions because doesn’t mean you have to take it completely off the table although some people do right we met a woman who said at a party uh we she asked what our play style we told her and she right up front said i’m here to flirt and get the party started but i don’t play with anybody because i get emotionally attached too quickly so that doesn’t that i don’t do that anymore but i just love being here and so if you’re okay with me flirting with you that’s what i’ll do right but just please know that i’m not here to play with anybody and i was like oh wow that’s really great i solid self-awareness oh yeah i loved that i knew exactly what she was about i knew exactly where she stood and i knew how to approach her and what to expect yeah yeah the other thing that i was going to talk about with rules

trying to set rules up to say you you can’t have feelings for somebody or you won’t develop feelings for somebody as a rule isn’t really a good rule no that’s that’s not a thing that you can control like like the drugs that we were talking about hormones are not something that someone can intellectually control no so it’s going to happen you are going to have those feelings especially with extended or prolonged contact with someone or someone who’s susceptible to those those feelings or those hormones right so be realistic with your rules in terms of which things you can govern and control and also what you could do is seek out some of the counselors that are sex positive non-monogamous counselors right they really have great tips and tools to help guide you through that dynamic and you can book a session doesn’t have to be you know one it could be one session could be two whatever but they can help with that and they can give you something that maybe you didn’t think about yeah counselors are really good even if you’re not having a problem they’re really good at giving you tools to be able to prepare for stuff or work through issues so it doesn’t have to be like a marriage counselor where you you’re on the verge of divorce or you’re breaking up or anything yeah it’s really a good third party objective position with really good experience and tools to be able to help you to sort things out even before they happen absolutely and then of course you can always decide if it isn’t for you maybe you just attach too quickly and that’s your style that’s that’s how you grew up you know that about yourself like that woman and she just said nope i can’t do that too risky can’t do it too risky i need to stay focused on my primary because i attach too quickly to others so i just don’t engage in sex with other people so yeah knowing yourself really well and knowing what works is huge absolutely yeah so in conclusion nre is fun it’s exciting it’s amazing and it can be addicting

but having that awareness about your feelings and what’s going on with you communicating that with your partner is huge those feelings are going to be motivated

by the hormones so just know that and they’re not true feelings yeah and despite the scary part about catching feels and that new relationship energy can be dangerous and risky it’s also really fun and exciting and if you temper it with a lot of communication with your partner it can really boost your kind of sex life in the day to day yes it’s it’s a great tool to use in your own relationship yes that is true thanks for tuning in we appreciate you guys joining us

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