Casual Sex Sucks – Could it be better?

Honestly, I’ve never talked about this with anybody

You’re like, and like things just start to spark and you don’t know what’s happening. Right. Because you don’t know what’s going on and it’s just, it’s all new and so shiny.

I didn’t even play with this man. I didn’t even see him in the bedroom

And we were loofal buddies. And now, right.

(Music)

sex while swinging?

Welcome to Swinger University. I’m Ed. And I’m Phoebe.

All right. Let’s be honest.

I mean, no one really talks about this. Honestly,

Honestly, I’ve never talked about this with anybody

in the Swinger community.

No. I mean–

We’ve had a few conversations, and we’ve mentioned in episodes how to make sex better, and we’ve talked about trying to find long-term partners instead of casual sex partners in the lifestyle. Right. Thinking this is the mysterious formula. Right. Right? So why don’t we ask, what is the quality of sex in the lifestyle? We never– Is it too personal? I don’t know. Why are we not asking this question? I think we should. I think at the next party, we should absolutely walk up to people and go, “Do you orgasm?”

And orgasms aren’t even necessarily the measure of whether you’re out of good sex or not. Exactly. So, yeah, that’s a really good question. How many times did you have great sex at a lifestyle party? Right.

I don’t think a lot of people really think about that. I think they think about having a good time, and there’s a lot of good times that we have had. But when it comes down to the sex, was it really a good time? Right. Do you ever wake up the next day and go, “Hmm, that really wasn’t that much fun. It wasn’t as good as I thought it was going to be.” Right. Yeah. I have had this question the next day, many a time. Yes, she has. And as you mentioned, what constitutes great sex or a great time? Is it the orgasm?

All right. So that’s the story, right? That’s what everybody is thinking. That’s what we’re thinking about with the episode.

Let’s talk about some facts. We’ll get a few numbers in here, and then later in the episode, you want to stay tuned because we’re going to talk about how to potentially make the sex better. We’re going to give you five tips for having better sex in the lifestyle. Hopefully.

No guarantees. Right, because we can’t guarantee anything, but we think that these will help. We think these will help. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%.

So a study was done… Well, there have been multiple studies, multiple, multiple studies done.

And what they found was around 20,000 undergrads across 20-plus colleges in the United States. And I picked this one study because it was pretty significant. And what was this study? It was a study on hooking up. And how do I sign up for the next study? Right? I know. Like, hello? Hello? Yes, please? I volunteer as tribute.

So they were asking people about penetrative sex and orgasms.

What we found was 70% to 90% of women are unable to orgasm vaginally,

just period, right? More so on the 70%. 90 is pretty high, but I’ve found other studies where it’s 70% women can’t orgasm vaginally alone. They need some other stimulation.

And 90% of women say they can’t even get there vaginally with an orgasm unless they’re on top. Right. Right. I have seen that and heard that from women in the lifestyle. That makes sense.

Now, here’s what’s interesting.

When you’re hooking up once with someone as a woman, you have a 15% chance of having an orgasm. When you’re hooking up with that person, you know, maybe the second time twice, right?

20% chance of having an orgasm, only 5% more. Right. And women in relationships six months or longer can have an orgasm about 73% of the time.

So, I mean, what this is telling me is the longer a woman has a connection with a man or the experience with a man, or they’ve instructed him how to do things properly, the third, the fourth, the fifth time, however many times they’ve had sex in the first six months. And, you know, depending on the frequency, it takes a while to learn your partner. It takes a while to kind of understand what their buttons are.

And if the guy’s not paying attention or not listening to direction and just doing his own thing, I mean, I’m not surprised that it’s in that lower percentile. Right.

I think guys can pretty much come with the blowing of a wind, but, you know, women take a little bit more work than that. And I think also there’s a little bit of an emotional component to this, which we have seen in numerous studies as we’ve been doing the podcast. Right. And if it’s not emotion, I can see the emotion being in the relationship aspect of this part of the study,

but also that just that level of intimacy goes a long way. And intimacy doesn’t mean relationship and it doesn’t mean you’re crossing any lines, but we are human beings and we find warmth and compassion within each other. And it’s okay to have an intimate moment. It doesn’t have to be like, wham, bam, thank you, ma’am, black and white. Right. It can be more fulfilling with you. You’ve got a better connection with that person. Correct. And that connection can kind of vary in terms of how you feel connected to them. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a ring on a finger and, you know, walking down the aisle kind of level of commitment. But, yeah. Yeah. So concepts of sexual satisfaction. Let’s talk about some of these different concepts.

I think one of the most important things that I’ve learned is really understanding what techniques work with each partner.

The same technique that you use all the time with your regular partner may not work with your casual partner, the partner who you’ve just met. Yeah. You’re going to have to ask for some direction. You’re going to have to ask for, do they like it harder? Do they like immediate stimulation? Do they like a little bit more warm up? Do they prefer dirty talk? Do they need a little bit of domination? Yeah. I think you had a partner recently who actually preferred that. Like she wanted a little bit more of an aggressive male kind of a thing. That’s kind of what got her juices going. Yeah. But there’s a lot of other women like you who like a long, slow, maybe a massage. Yeah. Direct, literal stimulation. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. And that’s where that consent conversation comes in. And a lot of times we just don’t do that in the lifestyle because things change and the parties are different. Themes are different. The vibe is different. Orgies are fun. And sometimes you want to jump into the puppy pile. There’s not a lot of time for conversation. Yeah. And I think that’s most of it. I think most of it is everybody’s really excited that they’ve got a new partner. Yes. It’s not their spouse or their significant other. It’s like they’re like, holy crap. Can I open my present now? Yes. Yes. And sometimes that’s like, okay, let me get a condom. Yes.

And you’re like, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, buddy. Yeah. Take a little time. Now I can appreciate an aggressive woman who wants to just get straight down to business. I have a couple partners who really like that and it’s fun and different for me because you are such a slow warmer. Yes. Which I also enjoy. It’s a bit of a tease. Oh, yeah. But it gets me there. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And I think that the more time you spend with a partner, so like the statistics said, first time, second time, not so good. But if you’ve met a couple and you’ve had a couple dates with them, that second and third experience is going to be better, possibly because you’ve asked questions and you’ve learned the technique that works for them. And you can just apply that technique immediately. But the other part of it is you actually may be more comfortable asking them about techniques the second or third time. Right. Right. Or even after you’ve had sex where you’ve had a good time. Maybe the sex wasn’t great, but the vibe was fun and you played and you had some soft swapping. Maybe you had soft swapping. And then you’re laying on the bed and you’re laughing and you’re going, wow, you know, that was a blast. I really liked when you did XYZ. Right. Let’s try that again next time or next time if you guys are up for it. We’d love to explore this. Yeah. And those are those fun conversations that you get to have with people that you have nice connections with. Yeah. And that’s a good segue to kind of this whole concept of like commitment and affection. And I can imagine in this is just imagining because we’ve never been in this situation, but in like a poly relationship where you’ve established kind of a long term sexual relationship with it with another partner. That you’ve started to learn their buttons. You started to learn their kind of ins and outs of what excites them and how they like to be turned on and what gets them there. And I think if you try to apply that to a casual situation, you could also say that the quality of the relationship also affects casual sex.

You’ve had really good flirty conversation with this couple. I think I’ve had better sex with that couple than the ones that we just kind of ran into in the playroom.

You know, the whole, hey, there’s some room on the bed. Can we lay down next to you? And then some stuff kind of happens.

they’ve been exciting because it’s random. Random. And it’s like totally like, oh my, what’s going to happen? Yeah. Yeah. But not exciting from the standpoint that they did anything right or they did anything wrong. It was just kind of, it was fumbling sex in the backseat kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s awesome. That’s a great way to describe it. So it’s fun. It’s novel. And I think the novelty is why it’s so exciting, but you don’t have any kind of quality.

It’s drive by sex.

This is sometimes literally is she slipped and fell and landed on his dick. Yeah. So now I get it. I get it. Like this whole fumbling in the backseat. They got me all in the way back machine because it brought me back to those feelings of when you’re in junior high, right? And

you’ve got all these emotions going and something random happens. You’re like, and like things just start to spark and you don’t know what’s happening. Right. Because you don’t know what’s going on and it’s just, it’s all new and so

shiny. I know. Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The other component that works, I think in long-term relationships is that that emotional component, right? You, you chemically bonded with that other person and it’s not just chemistry. There’s a lot of other stuff too. There’s social aspects and emotion and the emotions though are kind of based on a lot of those things, those, those subcomponents. And I think with your long-term partner, you have built that emotional component. And I think with repeat customers, you could get some kind of an emotional bond with them, which will improve it, which, which kind of, you know, to keep back on topic, casual sex doesn’t have most of these components because you just met these people. Right. Right. Exactly. So

So we’ve talked about these connections that you make with people and kind of why orgasms can work once you’ve had a little bit of a connection. So how is it that hooking up in the lifestyle is different? Like why doesn’t it work? Why doesn’t it hit the right buttons?

I think a lot of it has to do with partners that you run across. They just may not have the skills.

And it’s not that they’re bad lovers. They don’t know your buttons. Right. They don’t know how to please you as a partner because they’ve never played with you before. Right. And everybody’s buttons are different. Yeah. I mean, there’s some general rules, like probably don’t go straight to the hammer time, slow down a little bit. But even beyond that, it’s the right level of penetration, too deep, too shallow, too fast, too slow, like all of that stuff you have to kind of learn. Right. And I am going to throw in there the longer you’ve been in the lifestyle as a male or female, you’re going males are going to be better at not allowing the distractions in the room to throw them off because they’re used to that. Now they can focus because that’s a huge factor when you first start out. And the second thing is they get really good at reading women, honestly, if they have it. Yeah. Yeah. If they haven’t been good at reading women in the past, different women, they get really good at reading different women by being in the lifestyle. Yeah. And so there’s an aspect of experience in interacting with different partners that you start to learn, oh, God, they are different. Yes. Or you listen to our podcast and learn, oh, God, women are all different. And I think the second and third partner that isn’t making good noises or isn’t moving around as much or is glancing at their partner, making weird faces at them, you start to pick up on that and go, okay, I haven’t figured this out yet. And I think you’re right with experience, they start to realize, I got to change my game. Right. I got to step up. Now, the other part, the other part, my point was, too, women will start to speak up and ask for what they want. Now, I’ve done that. Hopefully. I know I’m in charge of my own orgasm and I am responsible for that. So I ask for what I want. I started to really use my voice and that was a huge improvement in the satisfaction that I received in the lifestyle. Now I will say, I don’t see a lot of women do that. I really don’t know. I have very few partners that will verbally communicate like explicit directions.

A lot of them are happy to say, I really like that or that’s good, which is great.

You’ll get like slow or don’t go too deep or I need to warm up more or the nipples thing is a big one. Simple. Yeah. Don’t get them harder. Yeah. Don’t pinch you. Right. Those things. Yeah.

And I think a lot of that comes down to it’s uncomfortable. Yes. They speak up because they’re like, I don’t know this to continue. Yes. Or they, or it has happened in the past and they’re like, I don’t want this to impact my experience with you. So I’ll just tell you upfront. But we’re moving past that we’re moving. How do you get them to orgasm? Yes. Yes. Yes. These were all, you know, don’t back the car into the pole kind of things. And what we’re trying to get to is, okay, how do we make this better? Yes. Let’s get to the,

let’s just do, let’s just do it. Let’s get to our five tips for making casual sex better.

And this works for swingers and it will probably work for singles too, because casual sex is still casual sex. Yes.

Confidence about your body, body image, confidence, your loving your body,

feeling good in your skin and knowing where you’re competent to know.

How do I want to say that?

Confident in the compassion that you have for yourself. Be confident to have that compassion when you’re not feeling it that night. Or maybe you don’t want to dress the theme that they have the night or maybe you don’t want to change into that lingerie at 10 o’clock or whatever.

Be compassionate to yourself. Have that confidence. Do things that, that will help your confidence. And also talk about the sex. Talk about what you want.

Maybe talk about what turns you on. Yeah. And I think, I think the confidence component is really important

Having confidence allows you to feel okay with saying what you like or what you don’t like. And be upfront about that. Yeah. I mean, we all struggle with confidence at different moments of our lives and in different situations. You just try it on one time. And if anything, it’s fake until you make it. Yes. 100%.

Communication. Everyone always talks about communication. We, we also have done a plethora of episodes on communication. And what I want to talk about in this area are three things. Expectations, your desires, and the rules of engagement.

So expectations. What are you looking for that night? Right. Right. Talk about what you’re in the mood for just because you are typically a DTF person. You just want to go straight to it. That’s your thing. Maybe you don’t want that that night. Right. Maybe you want a little more sensual play or maybe you just want a little more warm up. Right? Right. Right. Or you’ve got a new partner and they don’t know what your preferences are. So communicating that is key to having a much better experience.

Absolutely.

Desires. Yeah. What kind of, what are you looking for besides what your expectations are? Like kind of what’s turning you on at the moment? Yeah. So you’ve got four people in a room or three people in a room. Like do you want to watch what’s going on? Maybe you’re the fourth partner and you just want to watch what’s going on. Or is it really, I want all three people to have full attention on my body. Yes. Yes. Yes. Or I want one woman on my face. Yes. The other one riding me. Right. And then two more on each hand. Right.

Right. Because, you know, it changes. These aren’t bucket lists, but they are things that. It’s what you’re in the mood for. It’s really what you’re in the mood for. Yeah. Honestly, well said rules of engagement.

What, what’s your, what you’re into or what you’re willing to, your, your, your, your rules, your game, right? Like, for example, do you like spanking? Do you like oral? Do you like clitoral stimulation? Do you like a little of the, the choking? What, what is it that are your rules? Yeah. And I think we’ve covered this before, but I, I think every time we talk about it, it’s okay to repeat it because I don’t think enough people do it. And that is don’t talk about the things that you’re not into. Right. Talk about the things that you’re specifically into. So kind of like desires. It’s talk about what you’re, what things you want to physically happen. It’s okay to say I’m not, I’m not down for anal and I don’t like heavy spanking, but you can pinch my nipples a little bit that that’s good. That’s still good communication, but still talk about exactly what you want because that’s one that sets much clearer boundaries because you, you’ve got a path to that goal set out. Whereas if you just say, don’t do this and that there’s a lot of empty space between knots. Correct. Correct. And it’s really hard to navigate that. Correct. You just say no spanking, but you go, but I really like my nipples pinched hard. Well, you didn’t say that. You just said, I don’t like spanking. There’s a whole bunch of other menu items that you didn’t talk about.

Exactly.

Be sexually assertive. I like assertive. I know you do.

This is really important in casual situations that are unfamiliar. These nonverbal assertive cues when you’re already engaged with somebody are really, really important.

You may want to grab that person to bring them closer. You may want to use your voice to give them feedback. You may want to rub your clit because that’s what gives you off. Don’t be shy to do that in front of a stranger if that’s what works with your primary partner. Do it with this person. Don’t feel like it’s a slight or something against their skills.

Honestly, for most men, they really like seeing that. Absolutely. I can attest watching a woman go, I’m going to use a toy and you at the same time. I’m like, oh, hell yes. Please, please. Can I watch? Yes. And many, many women will bring their vibrator or favorite toy dildo to the party. Right. Because it’s fun and it gets them off. They get what they want for the evening and. It’s a hell of a show. It’s a hundred percent.

And some women will like to share toys and there’s a whole other episode there on sharing toys and making sure they’re clean. But we will get to that later.

Passion and intimacy. So casual sex doesn’t mean that there’s no intimacy. I mean, you’re flirting with this person. You’re kind of making a connection with them. That’s at least that’s the goal, right? You want to turn them on. So you’re trying to understand them a little bit. You’re trying to become more intimate with them. Right. And we were, we were touching on this earlier and this, there’s that misnomer that, that casual is just pure physical pleasure, but we can have, like you said, that, that emotion component and not be so, so distant with one another. Yeah. And I fear that we’re going to like, you know, leave our partner and their. Yeah. That, that is a whole other level of, of. There’s another. Yeah. That we’re not getting into in this particular episode, but I, I think that there’s a, I think even for men, and I’m talking to you that there’s this misunderstanding of what intimacy is. I have much better experiences when I’ve gotten to know the woman and I feel like there’s some sexual chemistry. It’s not just physical attraction. It’s not just that she gives a good blow job. It’s not just that she’s a lot of fun in bed.

Having that extra connection where it’s been a little flirty, it makes the experience so much better for me. Yes. 100%. And research actually indicates that this somewhat more of this closeness, intimate passion does yield a more satisfying experience.

Now I’ll throw in a little bit of a caution with this. One of our early experiences, I was very passionately kissing a woman on the dance floor and early on that can be a little intimidating for your primary partner. So especially if everybody’s on the same page. Yes. Well, and you may have to walk through that. I mean, I was never used to seeing you do that. So it was highly unusual.

And it was a bit shocking to me. So I got a little triggered, but that doesn’t mean that can’t happen again. That just we just go offline. We talk about it later that evening or the next day. However, a couple wants to do that. And maybe you say, yeah, you know, I was triggered. You move past it and you can come back to that fun type of make out session again. Or maybe you can’t. Maybe you just decide that’s a rule for you. That’s just a thing. Right. Now I’ll also throw in, we’ve been talking about kind of intimacy from like a sexual standpoint, but there’s a different kind of intimacy. And this is one that you and I really like. And that’s kind of cuddle fucking. Laughing about something because somebody made a weird noise. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody giggles or somebody says, oh, golly in the middle of having sex. Yeah. Yeah. I’m not looking at anything. Yeah.

It’s the fun aspect of it. Yeah. Kind of letting your hair down, as they say. And just having a good time helps a lot with that. And it’s not having a good sexual time. It’s just having fun with these people. These are new people who you’ve met and you’re having a great, great time with them.

I know. I’m not going to say that. I’m not going to say that. I’m not going to say that. I’m not going to say that. In fact, I just recalled. A shower scene. Situation where we were in an orgy. I get up. You must have still been on the bed. I go to take a shower because I was just drenched in sweat. Room was hot. I go take a shower. Some other guy is done in the orgy room. He comes in. He doesn’t want to wait for the shower.

I didn’t even play with this man. I didn’t even see him in the bedroom because it was a large bedroom and they were on one corner. And we were on the. And we were loofal buddies. And now, right. So strangely intimate in

the shower.

And I’m like, this is a lot of fun. Yeah. This is a lot of fun.

And at the last house party we were at, I was in the bathroom and it had,

it had a lot of room. And I was, I was. I was. Relieving myself. I was your. Right. Right. And the door happened to be cracked open. Woman walked in and she goes, wow.

Comfortable. You know what? I. Everybody’s seen everything at this point. Kind of not worried about it anymore. And she was like.

Nice package. Right.

And I was like, I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I know. I know. I know. I know. Great conversation there. I know. And that, that same party was really funny. Same thing, similar happened to me. Someone walked in. And we, the woman and I were chatting. And I said, you know what? I’m just going to use the bathroom, but you can stay. And she’s like, Oh, I’m like, I don’t care. And so she’s talking to me. I don’t even know her. I’m peeing on the toilet. I really don’t.

I’m not. I’m not. I’m not. I’m not. Everyone’s seen everything. I’m like, really? I really don’t care if you see me peeing. It’s not a big deal. I do it every day. Several times a day. No. So. That’s the kind of. You know, fun intimacy. That we are talking about. Absolutely.

All right.

The fifth tip is do you some caution.

Women connect. Sex and love. More than men do.

And women desire. Fewer sexual partners. Then men do on average.

And added intimacy with others may or may not be for you or your partner.

And the fourth tip is, is do you have a communication practice. Trial and error. And there was a woman at one of the BDSM parties that we met. And she was very specific about what she said. She was, she had a definition for it. Wish I could remember.

I was raised about me. She gotines Gateway at two weeks ago. So she previously had love for me.G

stood. So you knew where her boundaries were and you knew not to push it. But you knew she gave you what you also needed, which was she likes to be flirty and you and she said you can touch me. Right. But I just won’t have sex with you. So just so we know a friend, no sex, because that’s not what I do. But flirting and kissing and that’s my thing. And it all works that right. Yeah, that’s great. So knowing those boundaries and is good, but you’re not always going to know that upfront. You’re going to have to test those boundaries. And that’s that communication and the love and respect that you have for one another to work through those challenges that next day is going to be really important for your long term swinger, hobby or lifestyle. If that’s how you want to look at

So in conclusion, casual sex typically sucks. It’s not great in the lifestyle because people go into it hoping that they can just flop down on a bed, have amazing sex and be done. Yeah. Thankfully it doesn’t work like that. And it does require a little bit of work on both partners to get to a really fun and enjoyable sexual experience. So

communicate with your partner, slow down to learn what they need, what they like, and tell them what you want and what you like and work towards having a little bit of intimacy to make those experiences even better for both of you. Well said. Thank you for watching!