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When you finally find your voice in the lifestyle, everything changes. In this episode, Ed and Phoebe explore one of the most transformational shifts couples make in ethical non-monogamy: moving from "going along to keep the peace" to confidently advocating for what you actually want. If you've ever said yes when you really meant no, or felt like you were in the backseat of your own experience, this conversation is for you.
Watch this episode on YouTube!
What You'll Learn
– Why the "caretaker mentality" leads to burnout and resentment in the lifestyle
– The hidden costs of performing enjoyment instead of experiencing authentic pleasure
– How setting boundaries actually makes you more attractive to potential play partners
– A simple three-step framework for shifting from people-pleaser to confident communicator
– Real-world scenarios and compassionate scripts for saying no without guilt
– Why speaking up transforms not just your lifestyle experience, but your relationship dynamic
Key Moments
[00:00:17] – When you finally find your voice in the lifestyle, everything changes
[00:02:47] – The Caretaker Trap: Why "I don't want to ruin the vibe" is destroying your confidence
[00:07:57] – The Backseat Experience: What it costs when you're not driving
[00:12:33] – The Confidence Shift: One listener's transformation story
[00:16:09] – The Gender Dynamic: Women's opportunity to drive in the lifestyle
[00:23:30] – The Power Framework: Three steps to finding your voice
[00:32:03] – Permission-Giving Moment: You're not responsible for other people's disappointment
[00:33:02] – Real-World Scenarios: How to handle common boundary-pushing situations
[00:36:46] – The Transformation: From performing for others to prioritizing yourself
[00:40:21] – Why the lifestyle loves boundaries (and how speaking up gives others permission)
[00:43:30] – Final Thoughts: Is it about power or permission?
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