Navigate New Relationship Energy NRE – Without Breaking your Marriage!

[00:00] [Phoebe] Swinging can reinvigorate your relationship,
you can also trick you into thinking the grass is greener.
Today, we’re talking about new relationship energy for NRE.
Are you addicted to it?
Or are you afraid of it?

[00:15] [Unknown] Welcome to Swinger University.

[00:21] [Ed] I’m Ed.

[00:22] [Phoebe] And I’m Phoebe.
Today, we’re talking about NRE or new relationship energy.

[00:27] [Ed] All right, so first, let’s kind of define what NRE is.
For those who do not know what it is, or you haven’t dated in a long time,
it’s a term talking about those intense feelings of excitement,
attraction, and euphoria that people experience at the beginning of a new relationship
or even a connection with people.
So you talk to that hot person at the bar and all of a sudden you start to get the butterflies

[00:55] [Unknown] in your stomach and the feels start to happen.
Oh, God, the feels.

[01:03] [Phoebe] You also really want to spend more time with them.
And there’s some science behind this, right?
A lot of this, primarily, it is hormones, right?
It’s your dopamine, your oxytocin, and your…

[01:21] [Ed] Nor epinephrine.

[01:24] [Phoebe] Because I can’t say that word.
I had to say it.

[01:27] [Ed] I always get the big complicated Latin words.

[01:30] [Unknown] That’s right.

[01:32] [Phoebe] So that gives you that, like Ed said, sense of euphoria and a massive chemical rush.

[01:42] [Unknown] Yeah, and we’ve experienced it anytime we’ve gone to some big social event or party.

[01:51] [Ed] And we’ve really connected with that new couple.
You do get that instant attraction kind of a thing and you’re like,
oh, this is fun.
Kind of that chase the hunt.
And the more you talk to people and the more you bond with them,
those hormones start reproducing.
And you start having those hormones produced in your brain more and more often.
So you do start to build that chemical bond to that other person.

[02:24] [Unknown] Right.

[02:25] [Phoebe] So everyone knows this from when they were dating their partner or many partners.
And it can last from anywhere six months to about two years.
Art has lasted about two years, I think.

[02:40] [Unknown] We were also swinging while we were during this whole time.

[02:45] [Phoebe] So we were just like supercharged, supercharged, supercharged, supercharged.

[02:49] [Ed] Yeah, we’ve kind of had this like afterburner effect for most of our relationship
because we had that initial like we were hot for each other, just it happened.
And then swinging at the same time.
So we would get a like an additional lift with more hormones.
And I think our brains didn’t really separate the difference between
who was inspiring the hormones.

[03:17] [Phoebe] It was just, which is great.
I know.

[03:21] [Unknown] It’s awesome.

[03:23] [Phoebe] So when you find yourself in a long term relationship after NRE energy dissipates
because it does.
You get used to being around one another, right?
You getting that back means you need to reintroduce some of the novelty back into your relationship.
Activities, gestures and places.
You’re having quality time again or seeking out quality time.
This is going somewhere, so bear with me.
You start reintroducing date nights, right?

[04:03] [Ed] Yeah, yeah.
Most experts say that you really do need to set aside time for your own relationship
and kind of pretend like you’re dating again, right?
And kind of reintroduce those patterns.
And another thing that we’ve talked about recently, the two of us,
especially with places and activities, is this concept of dishabituation.
So you get into this habit of doing the same things every day and you do the same things
with your partner all the time.
And it’s, it’s the rut, right?
Like it’s a different way of describing what that rut is.

[04:39] [Phoebe] Right.

[04:40] [Ed] And just breaking out of that normal pattern of activity or behavior
is sometimes enough to kind of break those feelings apart and reinvigorate things.

[04:55] [Unknown] Right.

[04:56] [Phoebe] So staying curious and communicating with one another,
maybe some deeper communication, ask some interesting questions, ask some random questions.
I’ve been asking you random questions lately over the last two or three months.
Yeah.
Which have been kind of fun.
Yeah.

[05:13] [Unknown] Just out of the blue.
And be vulnerable.

[05:16] [Phoebe] Most people are with their partner, especially when they’ve been with them 20, 30 years,
but it’s sparking those deeper conversations or things that you haven’t ever talked about
and making sure you’re appreciating your partner.

[05:32] [Ed] Yeah.
That gets hard sometimes.

[05:34] [Phoebe] Bringing them flowers, sleeping on their side of the bed for the first five minutes of

[05:39] [Unknown] the evening to warm it up, you can tell it’s it’s flannel time.

[05:44] [Ed] So yeah, I’ve been pre-warming the bed.

[05:47] [Phoebe] Yes.
And making new couple friends, right, to bring some some energy back, some some spark.
So all of this, this also sounds like swinging.

[06:03] [Unknown] Right.

[06:04] [Phoebe] So the same rules for bringing back NRE to your long term relationship is the same thing
and happens when you’re swinging.

[06:14] [Ed] Yep.

[06:15] [Unknown] Absolutely.

[06:16] [Phoebe] All of that.
The novelty of it, the quality time with your own partner, staying curious, communicating,
being vulnerable, sparking communication, appreciating your partner, reconnecting, reclaiming,
and making new couple friends.
I was like, okay, this is all the same stuff.

[06:34] [Ed] So Cosmo should just say, if you want to keep your relationship fresh, start swinging.
Right.
Right.
Yes.
Now, there’s kind of a, we’re talking about the the cheery side of it and how to reinvigorate

[06:47] [Unknown] those emotions, but as we kind of alluded to at the intro, sparking NRE, especially in

[06:54] [Ed] a swinging situation, can kind of confuse you as to where those feelings are coming from.

[07:01] [Unknown] Oh heck yeah.

[07:02] [Ed] So yeah.
Now, we’re talking about external relationships, relationships outside your primary relationship
or your main partner.

[07:12] [Unknown] And now we’re going to start talking about some of the beers of NRE and what that can do.

[07:18] [Phoebe] Right.
Right.
So for us, we kept other couples at an arms length, right, because we were new.

[07:28] [Unknown] We started swinging while we were new before we were married to each other.

[07:33] [Phoebe] And so other couples getting close to us was too threatening for me, I felt threatening
for me.
So I didn’t want any any one of us getting the fuels with another couple.

[07:48] [Unknown] Right.

[07:49] [Phoebe] Now, we’re 10, 11, 12 years in and we want those deeper connections.
We want a little more intimacy, we’re not looking to be polyamorous, but we want deeper,
richer connections.

[08:00] [Ed] Yeah.
And I think a lot of it really came out through keeping all the relationships very casual.
So that that arms distance was basically like we talked about in our last episode, a lot
of DTF stuff.
So we would show up at an event, we would meet couples.
And if we had any kind of interest in them and they were attractive to us, they were sexy,
then we’d just kind of take them to a play room and play with them for a little bit and

[08:30] [Phoebe] then would be like, bye, see you later.

[08:33] [Ed] That was it.

[08:34] [Unknown] That was the whole thing.

[08:35] [Phoebe] Right.
And we would see them at the next house party and at the next event, it’s a small community.
So we would always see them.
We just never did anything outside of the party.

[08:46] [Unknown] It had a very specific confines, right?

[08:50] [Phoebe] We only met them at parties and that’s what that was.

[08:53] [Ed] And it was a really shallow depth, too, like we didn’t get much deeper than, hey, how
you doing?
Good to see you again, like we talk about things, but it wasn’t like, how are you feeling?
We didn’t talk about stuff like that.

[09:08] [Phoebe] It was just, we really didn’t know a whole lot about them either because we were also
really afraid to ask too many important or questions because we were always told, you
know, you know, it’s secretive, no one wants to be outed, we don’t share your profession,
you don’t talk about your family, you don’t talk about politics, it’s like, good grief,
what the heck am I supposed to talk about?
There really wasn’t left anything.

[09:36] [Ed] Right.
And then the other rule of like keep it sexy, you don’t talk about, yeah, you don’t
talk about the kids, you don’t talk about the family, you don’t talk about that kind
of stuff because it’s just, it’s not sexy.

[09:47] [Phoebe] So you had enough communication to, to, to know them well enough to, to drag them into
the bedroom.

[09:53] [Ed] So at, at what point did we start experiencing some of this NRE fields going on?

[10:02] [Phoebe] Oh, so, oh, so we’re getting, we’re going to get there there.
Okay, so we are years into our experience and just what was it last year?

[10:16] [Ed] Yeah.
Yeah, just this last year.

[10:18] [Unknown] About 11 years and 11, 12 years in by now and we decided, hmm, let’s try a single male.
And that primarily was sparked because I had started up an only fans account and people

[10:33] [Phoebe] wanted to see a third.
And I said, hmm, well, that’s something I hadn’t considered.
And so I thought, well, let’s have a conversation and let’s, let’s, let’s give it a shot.
See what that looks like.
Now we’ve had single males in a, in an orgy situation or at a party, but we’ve never
sought one out, had them over, had an experience.

[11:04] [Unknown] This was a very active thing that we were doing.

[11:09] [Ed] Yeah, very specific in the only fans thing really did kind of kick that off as a, as a conversation
starter, but we set up a date with one gentleman and you were attracted to him.
So it was fun and exciting and he was really attracted to you.
So he was sending you, you know, all of the energy right at you, and that date went really
well.

[11:42] [Unknown] We didn’t end up bringing him home, but we ended up with you two kind of making out right

[11:47] [Ed] there in the bar.

[11:49] [Unknown] Yeah.
And it was hot, there was a lot of fun.

[11:54] [Ed] He was really excited about the whole thing.

[11:57] [Unknown] Like you could tell, he was just like, oh my god, he could barely contain himself.

[12:02] [Phoebe] He was literally shaking from, from the, the energy, the, the hormones and energy was
just coursing through his hands and he was just shivering.
In fact, his hands are cold, right, because that’s how like nervous he was.

[12:15] [Unknown] Yeah.

[12:16] [Phoebe] Yeah.

[12:17] [Ed] He was awesome.
And how were you feeling about that whole thing?
Very powerful.

[12:20] [Phoebe] I have control.

[12:21] [Unknown] You did.

[12:22] [Ed] You had that guy wrap around your something.

[12:29] [Phoebe] It was fun.
Yeah.
It was fun.
It was exciting.

[12:33] [Ed] It was, you were definitely pushing like all of his buttons.

[12:37] [Phoebe] I know.
It was neat.

[12:39] [Ed] Yeah.

[12:40] [Phoebe] Yeah.
Yeah.
And a nice way.

[12:43] [Ed] I’m not like, yeah, people, but it was, it’s sexy.
It’s hot, right?
Yeah.
Like you get to experience that like somebody’s attracted to me thing.
And when we were first dating, you had been dating for, for a period of time, you were,

[12:57] [Unknown] you were out of your divorce and you were basically playing the field.
And you really did like that attention, that people kind of, I guess, reinforcing that

[13:11] [Ed] you were attractive and giving you that validation that you didn’t get when you were married.

[13:17] [Phoebe] Right.
Because it was a sexless marriage.
So I felt very, you know, unwanted, so it was nice to be wanted.

[13:27] [Ed] Yeah.
So this interaction with this single male kind of gave you that same sense of energy.

[13:35] [Unknown] I mean, so you hadn’t felt that since we started dating, right?

[13:41] [Ed] So it was 10 years later, boom, your jumpstart those, those hormones again, all of those
feelings and with a new attractive guy.

[13:52] [Phoebe] Yeah.
I think it’s challenging to, to allow myself to feel that with another couple, because
I’m always very concerned about making sure the woman is comfortable.
And I never want either partners to feel like they’re being separated or feeling left
out.
Right.
And it’s, it’s tricky to go all in with those feelings when you’re dating another couple
or courting them in the pool at a resort, because it’s like, you never really know if both
of them are on the same page and it, it’s challenging.

[14:42] [Unknown] All right.

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Yeah.
And I think a lot of the dynamics with relationships with other couples, with two couples interacting,
you really are kind of being very delicate because they have their dynamic and you don’t
know what it is and you have your dynamic and so you want to be respectful of whatever
that relationship is.
So we haven’t experienced a lot of that NRE with another couple.

[16:15] [Phoebe] I think the closest we had was you’ve had it twice that I know because it always triggers
me when you, because usually what happens and this is where talk about this because I’m

[16:29] [Ed] curious what you think happened.

[16:31] [Phoebe] This is where it goes sideways and a little bit where you’re making a connection with the
female and you’re just making out.
It’s like all on.

[16:41] [Unknown] You’re just like, right?

[16:43] [Phoebe] Yes.

[16:44] [Ed] All in it.

[16:45] [Unknown] And I’m standing there, right?

[16:50] [Phoebe] And so me and the mister are like, wow, they’re really going at it.
So it’s awkward.
I’m feel awkward in that position.

[17:01] [Unknown] So I’m always really reserved about going all in with the guy if I’m feeling it because

[17:08] [Phoebe] I don’t want the misses to feel awkward.

[17:11] [Ed] It’s interesting that you kind of quantify or qualify that interaction because I know

[17:16] [Unknown] exactly which interaction that was that that was NRE.

[17:23] [Ed] I hadn’t thought of it that way.
I thought of it as just being really hot make out session and I didn’t really, it wasn’t
anything past that.
So for me, it was very surface level.
It didn’t have those kind of deeper things.

[17:39] [Unknown] It was just it was just a hot moment and I was just in it was living in the moment.
Yeah, it looks like NRE to me because it’s it is a make out session.

[17:57] [Ed] Yeah.
And I think maybe that’s maybe that’s the trick with other couples seeing their spouse,

[18:06] [Unknown] their significant other having that level of involvement, that level of like intensity,

[18:16] [Ed] triggering the thoughts that it’s NRE and that they’re like having feelings for that

[18:23] [Unknown] person because it is such an intimate, deep, intense moment.
Right.
But see, I didn’t I don’t think I had those feelings.

[18:33] [Ed] I definitely didn’t think about her afterwards.
I thought about the interaction for sure.
I wasn’t like she wasn’t like always on my mind.
I wasn’t, you know, away from it.
What I will we’ll talk about the the next guy, the next single guy and some of the feelings
that you had there because I think it started to tread into that you started to think about
him all the time.

[18:57] [Unknown] You started to yes, yes.

[19:00] [Phoebe] And so we’d we’d had another date with another single guy and brought him home and we filmed
that session.
Yeah.

[19:10] [Unknown] Oh my God.

[19:11] [Ed] Good hot.
It was so hot.
It was really.

[19:14] [Phoebe] We have so much footage of that interaction.
It was so fun.
It was so organic.
And I love to just sit and watch those because it’s hot.
It’s fucking hot.
I love watching myself have sex.
I actually love watching myself masturbate after I recorded it.
It turns me on.

[19:34] [Unknown] It turns me on.

[19:39] [Phoebe] So I’m overly thankful for for that footage.

[19:44] [Unknown] So even if y’all don’t have a fan account, just do it for fun.
Oh yeah.
Cause you can keep it and you know, rewatch it.

[19:57] [Phoebe] So that guy because it was so good and so intense and he was so attentive and you know,
it’s different.
I I thought, wow.
Okay.
I want to do that again.

[20:12] [Unknown] I’m like again.

[20:13] [Phoebe] It’s like it’s like a Disney ride.

[20:17] [Ed] Oh yeah.
For sure.
And I I remember that night pretty vividly like we tried a whole bunch of stuff.
He was very laid back.
He was easy going.

[20:29] [Unknown] He was like, I’m here on, on, this is your dime, so to speak.

[20:34] [Ed] Like this is, this is all for you.
Use me.
However you want to use me and and we had a good time.

[20:41] [Unknown] We had a great time that night.

[20:44] [Ed] What were some of your feelings afterwards though?
Cause you, we had that one interaction and then we met him at a bar, a local downtown

[20:54] [Phoebe] bar.

[20:55] [Ed] And it was, it was like a lose night or a jazz night.

[20:59] [Unknown] I can’t remember which band was playing, but great music.

[21:03] [Ed] We were sitting there drinking, I think his brother was there.
So it was a little interesting.
Yeah.
And yeah, what was going.

[21:12] [Phoebe] So that was different because he’s on my left.
You’re on my right.
He’s cuddling up next to me.
He’s standing.
So he’s getting closer to me.
We’re on barstools.
So you and I can’t be like, as close, cause he’s standing.
So he’s snuggling up next to me.
He’s holding my hand and lacing his hand in between my fingers.

[21:36] [Unknown] So it feels like a new relationship, right?

[21:41] [Phoebe] The touching, the things that people do.
When you’re dating, he’s nuzzling my neck.
And at some point, oh, and then he asks me, what I’d like to do.
Drink.
So these are all very dating, like, behaviors.

[22:00] [Ed] Yeah.

[22:00] [Unknown] So it’s starting to feel good, but it’s also a bit odd.
Cause it’s, you’re my husband.

[22:11] [Phoebe] You’re sitting right here, like, that usually is our separate boxes in my life.
And both boxes are now blending, which is a bit challenging.
And then, oh, did you want something?

[22:27] [Ed] Yeah, I was going to say, when we first started dating and we started talking about swinging
and the whole concept of kind of being on the hunt for other partners, for you was
very, that’s outside the box.
I’m in relationship box now, and that box is cougar box where I’m out hunting.
Yes.
And you had a really hard time going, I can do bulls.

[22:58] [Unknown] And I tried to reassure you a bunch of times, you’re like, look, it’s okay.

[23:03] [Ed] Like, I get it.

[23:05] [Unknown] Like, you’ve, you’ve got to be a little bit in predator mode, so to speak, right?

[23:10] [Ed] To, to, to like, hook up with another couple.
Yeah.
And, and that’s not threatening to me because we’re doing it together.
So like, we’re both doing it.
And, and I know a lot of people in the community don’t like the term hunting.
Or, you know, vanilla hunting or any of those things because it sounds, it does sound
predatory.
But, you know what we’re talking about?
It’s just that in active pursuit of new sexual encounters, new cobblers to interact with.

[23:41] [Unknown] Right.

[23:42] [Phoebe] Right.

[23:43] [Unknown] And so then, as the evenings progressing, we’re flirting more.

[23:49] [Phoebe] And at one point, I believe you went to the bathroom.
We’re, we’re going to leave.

[23:54] [Unknown] There was a discussion about, would you like to come over?

[23:58] [Phoebe] Right.
And so he was, when you were in the restroom, he came up to me, help me with my coat on
and pulled me close.
And we were just making out right there in the bar, just the world stopped.
I didn’t care who saw, I didn’t know who was around.
I didn’t care if I was blocking traffic.
We’re just making out.

[24:22] [Unknown] Right.

[24:24] [Phoebe] It was really hot.
Yeah.
It was really hot.
And so then I, you know, we’re like, all right, back at the house, see you in 20 minutes.
Oh, we, we go, I remember we got in a car and I’m like, oh my god, are we doing this?
Oh, it’s so nervous.
I’m excited.
And you’re like, yeah, let’s, let’s do it, let’s go.
So then we get to the house and we had another really great time.
We didn’t choose to film that episode, but it was fine.
We didn’t need to film all of them.
And then I found myself, because this, I don’t know how, how far apart they were, there
may be two weeks in between each one, like a week or two weeks.

[25:07] [Ed] It was pretty close together.

[25:09] [Unknown] Yeah.

[25:10] [Phoebe] And so now I found myself thinking about that exchange frequently, right?
It was on my mind and I couldn’t wait for the next exchange.
And so I go on walks and I think about it.
I was working.
I was thinking about, I mean, I was thinking about it all the time.
Yes.
And that started to bother me after about two to three days.
And I, I thought it’s going to dissipate.
It’s going to dissipate.
I’ll be fine.
After three days, we were on a walk and I, I remember telling you, I was nervous.
I just tell you.

[25:48] [Ed] Yeah.
Yeah, because you didn’t know how I was going to react to that and we’d, we’d never had
this happen before.

[25:55] [Unknown] So this was all, all new territory, completely new territory.
Yeah.

[26:02] [Phoebe] And so I said, this, this is bothering me because I, I can’t stop thinking about that
exchange and I want to do it again.

[26:12] [Unknown] And it’s, it’s disconcerting to me because it feels like it’s interrupting my, my life

[26:22] [Phoebe] with you.
Right.
It’s in our box now.
It’s in my house because it’s in my head.
Right.
It’s not separate.
It’s not out at a resort.
It’s not out at a party.

[26:33] [Unknown] Right.

[26:34] [Ed] It’s not an experience.
It’s, it’s this reoccurring memory feeling that’s going on over.
And over again.

[26:43] [Guest] Yeah.

[26:44] [Ed] You’ve, in a sense, you’ve, you’ve triggered all of those hormones.
You’ve triggered all those behaviors.
And so now your brain, like any good addiction wants to keep doing that over and over again
because it feels really good.

[27:01] [Unknown] It, the, the hormones, hormones are incredibly powerful.

[27:08] [Guest] Oh, yeah.

[27:09] [Phoebe] It was altering my mind, definitely.
And I knew that.
Thank God.
And I remember telling you, thank God, I know what I know about hormones and my mental capabilities
and my emotions and all the things I know about myself to know enough to go, that’s

[27:30] [Unknown] okay.

[27:31] [Phoebe] Those are just the hormones talking.

[27:33] [Unknown] That’s not real.

[27:37] [Phoebe] This too will pass.

[27:38] [Unknown] Yeah.
100% I think that the podcast, your research on all the hormones, when we were doing the

[27:46] [Ed] hormone replacement therapy episodes, really gave both of us a solid grounding in terms
of the impact of hormones and all of the, you know, physiochemical reactions that are
going on.

[28:04] [Phoebe] And my own experience with some of those hormones, well, the progesterone estrogen and testosterone.

[28:13] [Ed] Oh, absolutely.

[28:14] [Unknown] All of those triggering stuff, really, really powerful.

[28:19] [Ed] And we’ve talked about in previous episodes about this kind of like addiction with hormones
and that kind of like high that you have.
And in a lot of respects, it can even influence your ability to consent.
So hormones are really powerful.
If you put hormones on the same level as substances like alcohol and ecstasy and any of the other
drugs that have an impairing effect on your ability to consent, that says a lot about
how strong hormones are.

[28:53] [Phoebe] Oh, yeah.

[28:54] [Ed] Hormones, heroin, right there.

[28:56] [Unknown] Let me just…

[28:58] [Ed] The two Hs.

[28:59] [Unknown] Yeah.

[29:00] [Phoebe] And these are why psychologists only prescribe, they’re trained in that way, they start you
off at really, really low doses, say you’re suffering from depression, they’ll start you
really, really low.
And they step you up slowly.

[29:15] [Unknown] Why?

[29:16] [Phoebe] Because you need to ease into those changes.
Right.
And they take you off very, very slowly.
My ex partner was severely depressed and he did.

[29:27] [Unknown] They stepped him up very slow and brought him down very, very slow.
It was very calculated because you can’t mess around with that stuff.

[29:37] [Ed] Yeah.
Rapid shifts in hormones can have a really crazy effect on your brain and your physiology.

[29:45] [Phoebe] 100%.

[29:46] [Ed] Yes.
So what’s the solution to all this?
Besides listening to our podcast and learning all about hormones and what’s going on, what

[29:55] [Unknown] else?

[29:56] [Phoebe] Well, the solution to all of this is having some realization and awareness about that
these are not true feelings, these are just your hormones.

[30:10] [Unknown] And have the appreciation that for yourself and from somebody else that this feels good,

[30:18] [Phoebe] this type of attention does feel good.
Right.
Right.
Especially when you’ve been in a long-term relationship, it’s nice.
People recognize different things in you.
People will recognize different things in Ed, then what I recognize in you on a daily
basis or have in the past.

[30:35] [Unknown] And it feels good to hear those things because for people, we’re humans.

[30:40] [Phoebe] We like strokes and pets and acknowledgements.
And then make sure you’re talking about it with your partner too.

[30:48] [Unknown] That realization and awareness, bring it, bring it forward, have a talk.

[30:58] [Guest] Here’s why we sail on Virgin.
It’s adults only.
No kids screaming at breakfast, no family buffet lines, just champagne at noon, late-night
pool parties and people who actually want to be there.

[31:15] [Unknown] The vibe?

[31:17] [Guest] Think boutique hotel that happens to float.
Tattoo parlors, drag brunch, restaurants you’d actually pay for on land.
Plus, when you’re looking to connect with other couples who know how to have fun, let’s
just say Virgin attracts a very specific type of adventurous.

[31:36] [Unknown] No wonder bread cruisers here, just your people.

[31:44] [Ed] Yeah, and I think this particular realization slash awareness and these specific points
really speak to why we don’t recommend swinging for every couple.
So if your relationship is struggling, if you’re having some issues, if you’re not communicating
well, if there’s kind of underlying stuff, this, these hormones, this NRE is the wedge
that will crack the rest of that foundation.

[32:15] [Phoebe] So we’ve seen it happen when a hundred percent, we’ve seen it a lot happen, not like a majority,

[32:23] [Ed] but we’ve seen it enough times with couples who were like, you know, the weird couple in
the corner that you see at the parties and you’re like, they’re not communicating very
well or he’s always off flirting with somebody else and you never see the wife around.

[32:40] [Phoebe] Are they swap?
Husbands and wives, we’ve seen them swap permanently.
Like permanently swap, right, yes, like they got divorced and remarried their others.

[32:51] [Unknown] Right.

[32:52] [Phoebe] Very much letting the hormones take, which really messed with my brain because I was like,
wait, because you see them a year later, right, at the next event and you’re like, wait,
weren’t you with, I know you were with him and he was with her and they’re like, oh, yeah,
we switched.
Yeah.
I’m like, huh?

[33:10] [Unknown] Yeah.

[33:11] [Ed] So it’s real.
It’s definitely real.
The other technique that will throw out is really taking time away from that relationship.
So when we were talking about how frequent that that interaction had been, yeah, having
a bigger break in between to kind of let the hormones dip a little bit and reconnect with
your partner really does help it.
It kind of evens things out and you get kind of, you’re not high anymore, right?
Right.

[33:42] [Unknown] You let the high dwindle.

[33:43] [Phoebe] Yeah.
Exactly.
Create rules between both of you, like maybe that maybe that is one of your rules to say,

[33:53] [Unknown] hey, after we have a single male over no more single males for another month or two weeks

[34:02] [Ed] or different single males, not the same single male.

[34:04] [Unknown] Right.

[34:05] [Ed] Keep the rotation going.

[34:07] [Phoebe] Yeah.
And that’s the important part is identifying how you react because once you know that you
just work with it and then you have that communication with your partner and you work

[34:20] [Unknown] with those feelings and emotions because doesn’t mean you have to take it completely off

[34:26] [Phoebe] the table, although some people do, right?

[34:30] [Unknown] We met a woman who said at a party, we, she asked what our playstyle, we told her and

[34:37] [Phoebe] she right up front said, I’m here to flirt and get the party started, but I don’t play

[34:42] [Unknown] with anybody because I get emotionally attached too quickly.

[34:47] [Phoebe] So that doesn’t, that I don’t do that anymore, but I just love being here.
And so if you’re okay with me flirting with you, that’s what I’ll do.
Right.
But just please know that I’m not here to play with anybody.
And I was like, oh, wow, that’s really great.

[35:03] [Ed] Yeah, that was solid self awareness for that.

[35:05] [Phoebe] Oh, yeah, I loved that.
I knew exactly what she was about.
I knew exactly where she stood and I knew how to approach her and what to expect.

[35:14] [Ed] Yeah, the other thing that I was going to talk about with rules, trying to set rules up
to say you, you can’t have feelings for somebody or you won’t develop feeling for somebody
as a rule, isn’t really a good rule.
No, that’s, that’s not a thing that you can control like, like the drugs that we were
talking about, hormones are not something that someone can intellectually control.

[35:44] [Phoebe] No.

[35:45] [Ed] So it’s going to happen.
You are going to have those feelings, especially with extended or prolonged contact with someone
or someone who’s susceptible to those feelings of hormones.
So be realistic with your rules in terms of which things you can govern and control.

[36:07] [Phoebe] And also what you could do is seek out some of the counselors that are sex positive,
non-monogamous counselors.
They really have great tips and tools to help guide you through that dynamic and you can
book a session, it could be one session, it could be two, whatever, but they can help
with that and they can give you something that maybe you didn’t think about.

[36:41] [Ed] Yeah, counselors are really good, even if you’re not having a problem, they’re really good
at giving you tools to be able to prepare for stuff or work through issues.
So it doesn’t have to be like a marriage counselor where you’re on the verge of divorce or
you’re breaking up or anything like that.
It’s really a good third party objective position with really good experience and tools
to be able to help you to short things out even before they happen.

[37:15] [Phoebe] Absolutely.
And then of course, you can always decide if it isn’t for you.
Maybe you would just attach too quickly and that’s your style and that’s how you grew
up.
Without yourself, like that woman and she just said, nope, I can’t do that.

[37:32] [Ed] Too risky.

[37:33] [Phoebe] Can’t do it.
Too risky.
I need to stay focused on my primary because I attach too quickly to others so I just
don’t engage in sex with other people.
So yeah, knowing yourself really well and knowing what works is huge.

[37:50] [Ed] Absolutely.

[37:52] [Phoebe] Yeah.
So in conclusion, NRE is fun.
It’s exciting.
It’s amazing.

[38:00] [Unknown] And it can be a dig dig.

[38:05] [Phoebe] But having that awareness about your feelings and what’s going on with you, communicating that
with your partner is huge.
Those feelings are going to be motivated by the hormones.
So just know that and they’re not true feelings.

[38:21] [Ed] Yeah.
And despite the scary part about catching feels and that new relationship energy can be dangerous
and risky, it’s also really fun and exciting.
And if you temper it with a lot of communication with your partner, it can really boost your
kind of sex life in the day to day.
Yes.
It’s a great tool to use in your own relationship.

[38:47] [Phoebe] Yes.

[38:48] [Unknown] That is true.

[38:52] [Ed] Thanks for tuning in.
We appreciate you guys joining us.
Don’t forget your homework.
Tell a friend about our show and if you want, leave a review or comment.
We really like that and it helps with the algorithm to kick us up the chart.
And we can always use more viewers because we like passing this information on to other
people in the community.

[39:17] [Phoebe] And I know what you’re going to say next.
You’re going to say you can also leave us a voicemail at 916-538-0482.
But don’t just leave us a voicemail, call us and ask us a question.
Tell us an issue, give us a problem.
Tell us a situation where you want us to chime in on it and answer your question.
We’ll put you on the show.
We will also change your voice if you don’t want your real voice heard.
Just let us know and then we’ll put your question on our show and we’ll answer it.
It’s going to be really fun.

[40:00] [Ed] Yeah.
Yeah, it’d be great.
We’d love to hear from you.
So please, call us.

[40:04] [Unknown] Leave us a message and we’ll let everybody hear your question.

[40:09] [Phoebe] Yes, you could be honest with us.
So, in closing, keep learning.
Keep going.

[40:16] [Unknown] Oh, one last thing before you go.

[41:23] [Ed] If this episode helped you in any way, the single best thing you can do to support the
show is leaving a rating and review.
It takes 60 seconds and helps new people find us when they’re searching for relationship

[41:35] [Unknown] education.
And we’ve made it easy.

[41:39] [Ed] Visit SwingerUniversity.com forward slash review.

[41:44] [Unknown] All the instructions are there.

[41:47] [Ed] Thank you for being part of this community.
We’ll see you again soon.