How to Ask for What You Want in Bed

[00:00] [Ed] Welcome. This is Phoebe. And this is Ed. Today we were interviewing Renee Yvonne, a certified
clinical sexologist because we want to share with you how to ask for what you want in the bedroom.
After Ed and I have been in the lifestyle for more than 10 years, I have learned that asking for

[00:16] [Unknown] what I want is not only sexy but fulfilling. Welcome to Slinger University with Ed and Phoebe.

[00:30] [Guest] Here’s what you need to know about our sexy guest. She’s very passionate about helping
gen actors reignite the spark in their bedrooms, better communicate their sexual needs,
and bring back that wild and pleasurable sex with your partner. She studied its sex coach
you and the Tantric Institute of Integrated Sexuality. For fun and her personal enjoyment,
she likes to cook, bike, swim, and do aerial yoga. She has a website, podcast, and blog,

[01:01] [Unknown] so we will put all that information in her note for this episode. Welcome. Welcome Renee.
Thanks for having me. We’re super excited to talk to you today.

[01:16] [Ed] So I absolutely love your articles, how to tell them what you want in bed,
quiet quitting, and the seven role play scenarios, and whether you’re going to open really

[01:28] [Unknown] sure not, these articles are gold. So I’m really fascinated with this how to tell them what you

[01:36] [Ed] want in bed. So can you just launch into that, tell us more about this? Sure. So I started thinking

[01:48] [Phoebe] about that because I think in our industry, we talk a lot about talking about things outside
of the bedroom, which in some cases you need to do, like you shouldn’t be in the middle of sex

[01:58] [Unknown] life. So let’s have this review conversation about all these things I want to do.

[02:05] [Phoebe] But sometimes you’re right in the middle of sex play, and something is being done to you that
you don’t want or enjoy or doesn’t feel good, and sometimes we just suffer through it. We just
like, okay, I’ll just put up with this. Hopefully this will be over soon. I have some other things
that they’re, and instead of doing that, we should just speak up. And you don’t have to, you know,
you don’t have to be mean about it. Like I wish you stopped doing that. I hate it, but you can’t
correct them to say, you know, it really feels better when you do this than, you know, I really like
when you touch me this way. I really, I really love it. It makes me come when you do this,
and that way you’re having that conversation instead of, you know, just enduring it, because
we shouldn’t be enduring sex. Sex should be enjoyable. It should be fun. It should be juicy and
exciting. It shouldn’t be like, can’t wait to this is over a second. Yeah, this is asking. You know,

[03:01] [Ed] like, that’s not how it is. Right. Exactly. So then what if you’re not used to having a voice in
the bedroom? What if you’re feeling shy or you never really, you’re not the person to even
make vocal sounds when you’re in bed? How do you get to that point where you feel comfortable
actually voicing something to your partner? That’s a good, that’s a great question. I think

[03:30] [Phoebe] sometimes what I tell people is to, to practice saying it, like, really practice saying,
and so the next time you’re in that situation, especially if you’re with a partner, you’re with
for a while, but to just practice saying it in the mirror, you know, just like, I really like when
you do this. And again, it’s not a criticism. So it’s not, I hate when you do that. It’s more,
I like when this happens. Sometimes what you do is show them what you like. And so you could take
a night and just say, and if you’re comfortable, and if you say, this could be maybe a little harder
if you’re shy about it. But if you can show them what you like, touch yourself in a way
that they can see it, like, instead of doing something really fast, like to slow it down,
you could also just say that. I like it when it’s slower. I’ve let you, can you speed it up a little
bit? And doing it that way can also help to, for the person who’s a little shy or nervous of
the body, to just kind of practice saying it and then to actually say it when you’re in that situation.

[04:29] [Guest] Right. I like that. Yeah. A little self role play kind of getting yourself into that
mind space of being able to just verbalize that, say those things to yourself,
helps you to be comfortable with just getting the words out.

[04:45] [Unknown] Yes. I know when I started asking for what I wanted, I would use very short words,

[04:55] [Ed] like slower or faster or harder or softer, right? Because I was kind of
formulating a sentence and seem to mentally challenging at the time because you’re
you’re focusing on other things. And it almost kind of took me out of my, you know, my body,
and I didn’t want to get into a mental space about it. So I started off that way and that

[05:19] [Unknown] seemed to really help. Yeah. You don’t have to have a full-blown conversation.

[05:24] [Phoebe] Yeah. Like stop for a moment. Let’s, let’s just pass all the greetings and just
slower or faster, right? That would work too. So then for more complicated things like,

[05:40] [Ed] what if you want to, you know, introduce a toy or a totally different technique or position,
are those conversations that are best for the bedroom? Would you recommend having that in the sexy

[05:52] [Phoebe] space? It depends. So yes, it could be done in a sexy space. It could, that also could be done
outside of the room. So that it depends on what you’re asking them to do. So for instance,
one of the things I like to do with couples is, and these are all over the internet, but there’s
they call yes, no, maybe list. So what I like to do is give, give each person a yes, no, maybe list,
and they fill it out. So it has like a whole list of sexual, it’s a sexual menu of things. You
could just pick from all types of things. And so you go down a list and you choose one, you choose
which one and you say yes, no, or maybe to it. And then whether you want to give or receive.
So you might say anal sex and you’re like, okay, I’d like to receive it. Maybe not give that
to the person. And then you have comments. And so your comments could be, you know, we’ll let
it try this in the next couple of weeks or only on the weekends because we don’t have a lot of time.
Or see, you know, like something like that, right? Right, right. You know, we need a lot of
looting for, you know, whatever it is. And so you put that down, you go to the list and then you
share the list. You share the list and you say, well, so this person likes, you know,
definitely doesn’t want to do any type of hair pulling. And then the other person may say, well,
I don’t want to do any type of anal. So when you’re in the bed, there’s no surprises. So if you know
your partner doesn’t want to do anything around their butt, you don’t have to have a conversation

[07:28] [Unknown] because you already know it’s a done. There’s a maybe what I like to tell couples do is if you have

[07:33] [Phoebe] any babies and they’re similar or the other, the other person doesn’t have a hard know. Like one’s
a maybe, one’s a guess, one’s a maybe, the other’s a maybe. What you do, what I like to do is tell
I’m like, write these down, put them in a hat or jar or something. So maybe you have time and you
just like, let’s do something different, pull one out and then try it. So you kind of have the

[07:53] [Unknown] conversation without having the conversation. Very nice. Yeah. And that that random chance is also
kind of sexy because you never know what you’re going to get that night. I like that. I like that.

[08:06] [Ed] And I like that technique also for starting the conversation about swinging maybe or opening
up your relationship. If you wanted to to introduce your sexual experiences in that way, where
one partner’s going to definitely have different ideas than you are. Usually you aren’t ever on
the same page. Someone’s going to want something that you’re not, but or think of something that

[08:33] [Unknown] maybe you didn’t think of that right is intriguing, right? So that list is really nice. I

[08:40] [Phoebe] the other thing that’s cool about the list is that you can, as you’re going through it,
it’s a nice way to plan a date night, a sexy date night. So people often say like, oh, it’s not,
you know, it’s not romantic and you know, the plan days like date night. So I’m like, well,
or to plan sex. I’m like, well, you could have no sex or you can plan sex. So it’s not just going
to happen. Like the movie says, just believe me, like, we all come in from dinner and we’re all like,
oh my god, I can’t do the clothes. I mean, that’s really what happened, right? And so oftentimes,
you need to plan a night like that, especially if you have younger kids or other people in your
home or you’re just tired, you just kind of been asked each other. And so if you pull one out,
let’s say on Monday, but you plan to have like, we’re busy all week, Thursday, not a clock,
that’s all we’re doing is having sex. And so you can, you have the time to plan it. So if you pull
out of a maybe, and it’s like, oh, okay, we have to, we have to get things for this. Like, let’s
say you want to try toys, but you don’t have any toys. I have to do my toys. We’ve got to go buy
the toys. We’ve got to go toy to buy. And maybe that’s the date. We go to a shop, we find a toy
that we both like that we want to try out. And then we try to toy out. And so you need to plan that,
that’s not when you pull out on Thursday night, like, oh, we’re not until this.

[10:02] [Unknown] So I hope you to plan a night. It’s always fun. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds a lot. I like that.
That sounds a lot of fun. So what can, you know, a partner do, I mean, well, maybe I’ll ask this

[10:15] [Ed] question first. Why do you think women don’t feel like they can ask for what they want in the bedroom?

[10:22] [Unknown] What is that? I think that’s a couple of things. I think, I think some of it is us wanting to be

[10:34] [Phoebe] the good girl. There’s a lot of that, that, you know, we’ve been taught to kind of be that or
whatever, parents, religion, television, media, whatever. It’s kind of told us like, we’re supposed to
be good. We’re supposed to be pursued. We’re not supposed to want to have sex. It’s letting
we don’t ask for it, but just kind of playing the damsel. Like, oh, you’re just taking it from me.
And sometimes it’s bad. Like, you don’t want to take responsibility for it. Like, I don’t want to
admit that I want this. So you’re just kind of in a space of, he wants it, and I’m just kind of
going along for the ride. So we don’t ask. And I think another is because we haven’t explored our
bodies. Don’t know what to ask for when we’re in bed, because we don’t know what feels good to us.
Partially because of the other two, because sometimes we just kind of literally lay down and just

[11:28] [Unknown] received and taken it and not participated. And so we don’t know what we want. And then we don’t

[11:33] [Phoebe] know what to ask for because of that. And I think towards the end is that nobody teaches us
anything about sex. We all kind of learn about sex from porn and our friends who also don’t know

[11:46] [Unknown] anything about sex. Right. Somebody knows what they’re doing. Yeah. So,
this is, so I think the collaboration of all of that. Yeah. That’s so true. I completely forgot

[12:03] [Ed] about that part of it. It’s that damsel in distress. Oh, they don’t. Oh, take me, you know, all the

[12:09] [Unknown] romance novels, right? You know, I’m going to be taken. And then, yeah, and self-exploration

[12:17] [Ed] for me as a teenager wasn’t what people are doing today. It wasn’t talked about. It wasn’t okay.
Of course, it was always dirty and secret. And you know, you’re going to have, you know,

[12:31] [Unknown] someplace evil and all of that, right? So, yeah, I also think that we as women are taught

[12:42] [Ed] to be people pleasers and that, you know, everyone else comes first and we got to give, give, give,

[12:48] [Unknown] and we can’t just, you know, be selfish and take care of our own selves, put us first. And

[12:56] [Ed] we’re really, we should be doing that in a relationship in order to be a good partner and be a good
parent to put ourselves first so that we’re there for those individuals that we love and care for
on a daily basis. And we’re just, you know, we aren’t, we aren’t taught to do that. Right.
And so then that transitions into the bedroom and you’re, you’re just not putting yourself first

[13:17] [Phoebe] again, right? That’s the point, because then we, you know, this in most porn, in most traditional
form, the sex is the pleasure is really about that guy. The woman is just kind of there to
provide it is rare that you see that it’s also for the woman. If she happens to have an orgasm,
it’s like a bonus, but that’s not. So I think when you’re, when you see that, that’s kind of,
that’s kind of how we learned about sex. It’s like, I’m supposed to be here to make, to please him,
and he’s supposed to come. And if I happen to come, yay, but if I don’t, that’s okay too. You know,

[13:52] [Ed] that’s kind of how porn is set up. Right. I know that’s so true. And, and that’s the reason why
I hated watching porn for many, many years because, because of that, it was so unsighted. And only
recently we found some really great porn sites that focus on, you know, that true pleasure between
both people. And you can tell it’s real. I mean, I’ve gotten really good. It’s botting the fake
stuff because I’ve faked it because I know what that looks like. And then I’ve gotten really good.
It’s botting the real stuff because I know what that looks like. So when I see the real
orgasms on in porn, I’m just, I’m loving it because it’s, it’s real. It’s not fake.

[14:37] [Unknown] Right. So nice. You wanted to flip it on the men. Yeah, I want to flip it on the men.

[14:46] [Guest] What are some things that men can do to encourage women to use their voice or, or at least
open up the conversation so that they feel like they’re supporting their women in asking for pleasure.
All right. We need your help so that your community, the very one you love and have so much fun
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[15:54] [Unknown] It only cares about ratings and reviews. We’d appreciate it. And your community will really
appreciate it. Thanks for listening. I think one of the things I’m a big fan of checking in,

[16:14] [Phoebe] not interrogating, but just really kind of checking in in the middle of sex play to just kind of
see how does something feel to that to your partner. And so it doesn’t have to be everything

[16:26] [Unknown] you do. Does it feel good? You don’t want to do that. But every now and then you just want to say,

[16:34] [Phoebe] does that feel good to you? Should I change positions? Do you want to softer, harder,
more pressure, less pressure? And that shows that you care. You really want her to enjoy that
experience. So that’s one way. Another way, and this is a little bit more out there, but
is if you’re ever playing in the BDSM realm and King, this is a great way to begin communication,
because you have to communicate up front, which are hard stops are, what your safe word is,
you have to communicate through that when you set up any type of scene. And so that’s another
one if you want to go a little bit on the, you know, on the wilder side, if you will. But that’s
always going to be communication in that. And so that’s another way. And it doesn’t have to be
major. I think sometimes people think of it, they’re like, it’s going to be just dungeon. I’m going
to be hooked up with some of the ball gang in my mouth. It’s not going to be spanking me all over
the place. But it could just literally be handcuffs. And so if you just ask, you know, still tie
and handcuffs, but you need to talk about that. Like, is this too tight? You know, your arms
tie when they’re up here, do you want them behind you? Like you have to communicate those things,
so that you’re sort of you and your partner are in the same place and both enjoying the experience.

[17:53] [Ed] Nice, nice. Because you could have some childhood trauma related to being tied up or spanked.
Spanked, you know, and, you know, corporal punishment, you know, and you don’t know or you know
that that’s not going to be, you know, a good thing for you, right? And I think that that list

[18:13] [Guest] that you had mentioned earlier would be pretty helpful, especially in that situation where you
kind of know what’s on the naughty or nice list, so to speak, what people are looking for.
Right. One of the techniques that we’ve tried to get into is at the beginning of a play session,
just talking to the other person about what they enjoy and what are the kinds of things that
they like to try in the bedroom with new partners. And it’s that same kind of thing where you

[18:39] [Ed] kind of opening up and asking for them to tell you upfront. And for us, I remembered I really liked
what you said, Renee, about do you like this? Because I think in the beginning, you would ask me
what do you want? And that was too much pressure. Right. And then I was in my head. I don’t know
what I want. Right. And so he would just do something. And do you like this? And then I go,
and then I could respond faster, harder with one words. And that’s all I could do at the time
until I started to gain confidence asking and exploring in that, which was very empowering,

[19:28] [Phoebe] very empowering. So if you haven’t, if you haven’t explored your body, like for women,
it’s very different. Like men’s, men’s genitals are out there. Right. So they can just
see you play with it, whatever. Are there internal and often we’re told not to touch it? If you
ask most women, like I like to do this when I teach some of my workshops, I usually ask the women,
like, what did your mother, your grandmother tell you to call that part? And I’ve gotten everything
from nothing, like they just literally nothing to all kinds of names, monkey, orange,
and pocketbook, and all these crazy names. So we don’t even have a shared name for it. Wow.
Not to touch it because, you know, it’s dirty or it’s, you know, there’s all these things,
there’s all this mystique around it. So if you never touch it, and you don’t look at it,
because we also aren’t taught to look at it, you don’t touch it or look at it, you don’t know what
feels good to you until somebody else, you know, touches it at some point. Right. And even
you’re not sure how to communicate it because you’re like, well, maybe this is how it’s supposed to
feel. Right. But maybe it’s okay, you know, no, no, to you to you do it yourself. Yeah.
I just say explore, for that one, to ask what you want, definitely explore your your body. Be open
to be open. I crisis her into there. Be open to what pleasure your body can experience.
So sometimes we have, you know, we’ve learned or heard things about all kinds of just stuff
all over the internet and maybe we’re feeling like, you know, I don’t know if I should touch
myself there. I don’t want to put something there or that sounds like it would hurt. You know,
be open to it. You don’t ever have to do it again if you don’t like it. Like that’s one thing I
like to tell people, like, I’ve tried the electro stem, the, oh, yeah. The fight. I tried the
wand. And I was like, yeah, I’m not really feeling this. I don’t ever have to do it again. I don’t
feel married to it. I’m not like, because somebody shows up. I can say, you know, I’m good on that.
But there are other things that I’ve tried. And I’m like, I didn’t think I would like it. And you
try something else. And you’re like, oh, my God, I, I want to do this every single day.
Like, oh, because you don’t know, you don’t know what we’ll feel good to you until you try.
If it doesn’t feel good, just put it on your, I’m not doing that again.

[21:54] [Ed] Yeah. And the quiet quitting, I think as I’m remembering the article now, that’s really just
people just quitting sex and just kind of giving up, right? Because they’re not having that
communication. And they’ve just let their sex live by.

[22:11] [Phoebe] Yeah. They’re kind of just doing the bare minimum and not, not exploring. So it can be like,
you know, you’ve been together for a while. You know, if you do, you know, ABC, that person’s
going to come. Right. Right. So you never explore out and try maybe the electrostome. You never,
you know, you never go out and say, you know, let’s try blogging. Let me try to, you know,
handcuff you because you know, if you do business and this, it’s good. We’re all good.
But what are both of you could be bored with it? Right. Because you know, exactly how it’s going to go.
You know, how long it’s going to last. You can, you know, you can count the pumps like you just

[22:54] [Unknown] know. Yeah. Yeah. So for your workshops, how do those work talk a little bit about the workshops

[23:10] [Phoebe] that you offer? Oh, sure. So, so my most common one is blows mine. It’s a workshop on oral sex
for men. It’s the one. It’s, it’s really interesting because the most of the women that come
say that they are, they are because their partner would like them to learn more techniques,
or they, or their partner really likes oral sex. And they’re like, man, I really want to say,
so they want to learn some techniques. So that’s the most popular one. I teach a companion class
call how to eat cake. It’s got, it’s, you know, it’s for the women. And I’ve had the remit.
And I love it all the time because I’m like, I know, they’re men, I just should be taking the scores.
So that was money. So it’s not the most popular. I teach one on cake is the beginning
BDS and workshop. That is a lot of fun. It’s best done in person. I do virtual. Most of my
workshops are virtual, but this was best done in person because I have lots of props and things

[24:19] [Guest] for people to try. You just can’t do that. Right. Yeah. I teach one called sex and seduction. It’s

[24:25] [Phoebe] kind of a beginner’s, it’s kind of a beginner’s workshop one. How does seduce your partner? A

[24:33] [Unknown] little bit on dirty talk. And then just, and just learning what seduction is, it’s really about

[24:41] [Phoebe] expanding your definition of sex and sexuality. Because I really like to look at it more as pleasure
as opposed to intercourse. And so people can kind of get out of the frame of money. It has to be
intercourse. They can open their mind to, there is pleasure all over your body that you can experience.

[25:00] [Ed] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. I like that a lot. And I, and I, I almost wonder if

[25:11] [Unknown] a lot of people get into swinging because they, they haven’t maybe explored those,

[25:20] [Ed] those different realms with their partner and they’re looking for something else to kind of spice
up their, their, their sex play and they discover, you know, the swinging world and, and all the,
gosh, the multiple of things that you can do while you’re swinging. Right.
Although we will say there are, there are a lot of people that we run into that, that have,
have explored numerous things in the bedroom and then they, they come into swinging, you know,
bringing those, those tips and tricks and skills and, and, and whatnot. But we’ve had
play sessions. It’s just soft swap. It’s just nothing but
exploration of bodies with hands and, and mouths and there is no intercourse. And it was the most
amazing experience ever. So that’s what we love about this lifestyle and educating people about

[26:14] [Unknown] sexual pleasure. It’s, it’s, it’s, you know, it’s, it’s endless what you can experience.

[26:22] [Phoebe] It is. It really is. It’s so much fun to open people’s minds so that it workshops because,
because everyone, because most of the people that come to me have been very,
I guess, I don’t say clothes, but you know, it’s just that mindset of like, there’s all sex,
there’s intercourse, there’s all sex and there’s intercourse. And like, and so when you kind of open
up to like, have you ever just taken, just taken an evening and just giving your partner on a massage
and just touch them in a variety of ways with a variety of things. So your, you know, your hands
or maybe you take, you know, you may take a paddle or a spatula. You know, you usually have a
spatula in your house. You know, and, and like, you know, just kind of, after within the see how
that feels or something that’s kind of, like, just kind of sharp and run that down their body.
And then something that’s cool and something that’s hot. Like, when you, you know, when you kind of
play in that realm, people don’t realize like there’s all these other rodging themselves
on their body because they’ve just gone straight for the genitals because they know that works.
Like I know if I go there, it works. But if you find out like, your elbow has
these are rodging themselves or that person has, you know, the spine is like the thing that
makes them go like that. I guess a whole different world. It opens up so much more
pleasure than just going straight for the genitals. You have all these other things in your two

[27:45] [Ed] bodies. That’s what I love about it. Yes. Yes. Definitely. All right, everyone. Well, we hope you
love today’s podcast and YouTube video interview with Renee. If you want to check out her website,
in fact, I encourage you to check out her website. She’s got a great blog. She has a podcast as well.
And really amazing workshops that we talked about in this episode, as well as coaching services.
And sexy store products. Very sexy store products. We have all those links for you in our show
notes. Thank you so much, Renee, for being on our show. It was a great, great pleasure.

[28:29] [Phoebe] Thank you for having me. I’ve enjoyed it. Those are great questions. Thank you for picking those
out so I could share some of those most important things. Yay. Fantastic. Thanks, Renee.

[28:38] [Unknown] Thank you. Oh, one last thing before you go. If this episode helped you in any way,

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