Get to Know the 3 ‘C’s of Swinging

[00:03] [Guest] Welcome to Swinger University, your horizontal enrichment program.
Bringing you an educational podcast about swinging.
Here are your hosts, Ed and Phoebe.

[00:21] [Ed] Hi, this is Ed.
And this is Phoebe.
Today we’re talking about the three C’s of swinging, connecting or courting, communicating, and courtesy.

[00:34] [Phoebe] These three social elements play a large part in your swing or game, whether you are hosting or attending a party.

[00:42] [Unknown] Connecting and courting.

[00:46] [Phoebe] Sometimes it’s done at your home, sometimes it’s done at a swing or party, and sometimes it’ll be done at a hotel event.

[00:56] [Ed] Right, and this is making a connection with a couple, not like the initial contact on a profile site or something like that.
This is like actually face-to-face connecting.

[01:14] [Phoebe] Yes, you’ve done the pre-connecting online or texting, and now you’re meeting face-to-face.

[01:22] [Unknown] So say you’ve set up a home date.

[01:28] [Ed] You’re going to invite them back to your layer.

[01:31] [Phoebe] Yes, so you’re hosting.
You want to make sure you clean the house.
You’re connecting with them and you’re home.
You want the house to be tip-top shape.

[01:41] [Ed] This is their first impression of you, and you want to put on a good show.

[01:48] [Phoebe] Right, if you don’t have a lot of time to do spring cleaning like you want,
just shove a bunch of shit into the spare bedroom and close the door and you don’t have to show them.

[02:01] [Ed] Right, but a nice, clean, elegant setting for them to come in.
Feel comfortable, not like they’re, I don’t know, dancing around kids’ toys or laundry or any of that kind of stuff.

[02:18] [Phoebe] Living rooms, tip-top, kitchen, super clean, and of course the bedroom is going to be spot-on.
Bedrooms are going to have candles, music, and living room too.
You want to have candles, music, always music.

[02:31] [Ed] Little fire light.

[02:32] [Phoebe] Yes, bedrooms are definitely going to have some red lighting or dimmed lighting,
not too dark because you don’t want to go to sleep.

[02:41] [Ed] Gotta keep them awake.

[02:43] [Phoebe] You will have snacks and alcohol for your guests.

[02:48] [Ed] Nice cocktail of something, maybe even asks them ahead of time what they like,
are they wine drinkers, whiskey.

[02:56] [Phoebe] Oh yes, correct, we have done that.

[02:58] [Unknown] Maybe a little G&T.

[03:02] [Phoebe] So this is all that connecting, courting process if you’re having them in your house.
The second place you might be connecting or courting is at a swing or party.
For events like this, sometimes we’ve had couples RSVP for us.
Right.
Maybe they even pay the fee to get in, which is really nice.

[03:26] [Ed] Split it later or…

[03:28] [Unknown] Exactly.

[03:29] [Ed] But it makes it easy to set the whole thing up and kind of get some buy-in from both couples.
Right.

[03:36] [Phoebe] Exactly.
Sometimes the events will have a booth or a table, some sort of area that you can RSVP.
I would highly recommend doing that.
If you’ve got buy-in with that other couple, you can discuss how you want to split that cost up.
Sometimes they’ll buy the tickets in URSP, the table or however it’s done.

[04:06] [Unknown] Right.

[04:07] [Phoebe] If you’ve got a non-committal couple and you have the opportunity to RSVP a special area,
I say just do it.
Just do it because women, you all know those high heels hurt after a little while.
And you gotta sit down.
And there’s usually never any seating.
So, if there’s someone with a table or like I said, a booth or a couch, whatever,
they RSVP that for a reason.
It’s a hoe catcher.

[04:41] [Unknown] Yes.
So don’t feel shy.

[04:44] [Phoebe] Walk up to those groups.
They’re not exclusive.
Guaranteed.
Most of them are strangers to each other.
And that’s the whole point.

[04:53] [Ed] They’ve set it up so other people can come and sit with them.

[04:59] [Unknown] Fishnet.
Come on.

[05:01] [Ed] I’m sit.

[05:03] [Unknown] Exactly.

[05:08] [Ed] For new couples, you may want to explain the rules.
The party, although most hosts will walk you around and kind of explain the rules,
but they may have questions.

[05:19] [Unknown] And if they haven’t been listening to our podcast, you might be able to help them out.

[05:27] [Phoebe] You can also reserve a playroom.
If applicable, sometimes you don’t need to do that.
That’s also really nice.

[05:37] [Unknown] You can…

[05:42] [Phoebe] The other option is to state upfront what time you plan on going to the playroom.
The parties in our area, the playroom doesn’t have an RSVP.
Typically, what we’ll say is, hey, we’re going to go mix and mingle.
If you guys want to mix and mingle too, sometimes you don’t want to dominate that other couple’s attention all night long.
Because there’s a lot of people there to meet.
And maybe you’re not really connecting or you are, but you still have friends there that you want to meet and socialize.
Sometimes you can take the new couple around to them.

[06:20] [Unknown] Sometimes you just want to run around and be free.

[06:27] [Phoebe] But in that case, we would say, hey, we plan on being in the playroom at 10.
If you don’t see us, if we’re not back at the table before then come find us in the playroom.

[06:38] [Unknown] We’ll be in there at 10.

[06:40] [Ed] And if we’re interested in the couple, we’ll usually swing back by the table on the way to the playroom to pick them up and carry them off.

[06:51] [Phoebe] But just in case, we can’t find you.
Meet us in there at 10.

[06:56] [Ed] That’s right.

[06:57] [Phoebe] So that type of communication is really great.
Especially, again, if you’re new or if not, I mean, you kind of know where people are.
It’s a big place.

[07:08] [Unknown] No one’s on their phone and no one really has their…

[07:11] [Phoebe] I don’t think anyone has their phone out.
Not at our parties. You get in trouble.

[07:16] [Ed] Sometimes you can have the phone out, but you’ve got to be pretty discreet with it.

[07:22] [Phoebe] Oh, sometimes that’s right.
They used to give you stickers.
I think they still do that to cover.
Wait, wait, am I thinking of somewhere else?
No, you’re thinking of Laguna.

[07:30] [Unknown] Oh, yeah.

[07:31] [Phoebe] I’m thinking of the naked resort.

[07:33] [Ed] See, it’s been so long since we’ve been outside of our house.

[07:38] [Unknown] I know.

[07:39] [Phoebe] Oh, so sad, so sad.
The third place you want or may connect with a couple is at a hotel.
Now, these can be planned or spontaneous.
If you have no plan for a hotel with a couple, you could book the room and just pay yourself.
Say, for example, you and your significant other are going downtown.
And you want to go hit the clubs.
You don’t want to drive home.
You want to drink.
And you want to stay the night and then go home the next day.
Perfect.
Done.
Hotel book paid for.
Don’t expect anyone else to…

[08:25] [Unknown] Right.

[08:26] [Ed] Uber to the bar.
Uber home.
You’re all good.

[08:29] [Phoebe] Right.
If you get lucky and drag someone back with you.

[08:32] [Unknown] Woohoo!
All good.

[08:34] [Phoebe] We have a club downtown called Vases.
And sometimes we get really lucky there.

[08:42] [Ed] It’s a fun place.
Lots of sexy people.

[08:47] [Phoebe] It’s the club that has something for everybody, literally.
I mean, if you can’t find it anywhere, you can find it there.
The semi-sudo plan with a couple, you can book the room and prepare to pay.
And typically, etiquette states that the other couple would pitch in.
Sometimes, if you’re out for dinner drinks,
one couple will pick up dinner drinks.
The other couple will pay for the hotel room.
However you want to negotiate that social etiquette.
You also might have a definitive plan with another couple.
That’s where you may want to talk about splitting the cost ahead of time.
Maybe you get adjoining rooms at the hotel for hotel takeover.

[09:37] [Ed] Depending on where they’re coming from or what their plans are.

[09:41] [Phoebe] Yeah.

[09:42] [Unknown] Exactly.

[09:43] [Phoebe] Or maybe you had such a great time, the last event,
you’re like, hey, let’s get that room on the third floor with the balcony
and adjoining doors.
Boom, boom.
Someone digs care of it.
And you all sit up your money later.

[09:57] [Guest] Very well for us.

[09:59] [Phoebe] Yes.
So, for connecting and courting,

[10:05] [Unknown] you’ve got your home event,

[10:09] [Phoebe] you’ve got your swing or party event,
and you’ve got your hotel events.

[10:15] [Ed] Let’s move on to communicating.
So, one of the first things you want to do is find out what the other couple’s rules are.

[10:27] [Unknown] And more important.
Well, not more importantly, but also important what their preferences are.

[10:35] [Ed] Are they full or soft?
They’re exhibitionists.
They’re like playing in the same room.
Do they expect to play in the same room?
Are they kinky?
Do they have special kinks?

[10:48] [Unknown] Are they going to bring bondage gear or various toys?

[10:57] [Ed] What are their rules about finishing inside condom use,
which is really important for us?
And another important thing for us is females who squirt.
It can be a little shocking for people,
and so sometimes it’s good to warn them ahead of time.

[11:17] [Phoebe] Yes.

[11:18] [Ed] Most couples are fine with it.
Like, sex is fun.
They enjoyed all of it.
But it’s good to come prepared.

[11:28] [Phoebe] Yes.
And be respectful of people’s furniture and surroundings.
If they’re not used to that, maybe their partner doesn’t do that.
So, you know, they don’t know.
You want to, again, be respectful,

[11:42] [Unknown] come prepared, tell them ahead of time.

[11:46] [Ed] Bring appropriate equipment.
Whatever.

[11:50] [Phoebe] You know, and we’ve run into people that have said,
oh, I’ve always heard of that, but I never knew it was a real thing.
How does it work?
Oh, we’ll show you.
But do you have a blanket or a very large tarp?

[12:05] [Ed] Raincoats for everyone.

[12:07] [Phoebe] Right.

[12:08] [Unknown] It’s fun.

[12:11] [Phoebe] You also want to ask them ahead of time,
because their profile may not state.
You know, are you a smoker?
Do you like marijuana?
Do you do coke?
Do you do ecstasy?
Usually you don’t talk about those things in your profile on SLS.
Yes.

[12:27] [Unknown] And especially the coke.

[12:28] [Ed] Right.

[12:29] [Phoebe] You know, you’ll see that smoker typically, yes.

[12:34] [Unknown] But sometimes people don’t put that on there.

[12:42] [Phoebe] So you want to make sure that you have those conversations ahead of time,
because what, you know, what if you have someone in your house,
and all of a sudden they whip out the ecstasy
and you’re not really prepared for that type of experience with them.

[12:58] [Ed] Start lining up.
Or coke.
Or coke.
On your coffee table.
Yes.
Yeah.
That would be a little shocking.
I could say that.
And rules.

[13:11] [Unknown] So sometimes rules get broken.

[13:15] [Ed] We just talked about that in one of our recent episodes.
But have the conversation about that.
Quick conversation.
If a rule gets broken, take it offline.
However, you need to do it discreetly.
Or if it’s not bothering you, then just go,
oh, that was interesting.
We hadn’t planned on that.
Right.
I’m okay with that.

[13:39] [Phoebe] Yeah.

[13:40] [Unknown] I’m okay.
All right.

[13:42] [Ed] So it’s checking in with your partner.
Right.
And this is all about the communication.

[13:47] [Phoebe] We’ve done it in a lighthearted way.
And we’ve seen other people do that too,
where, you know, something happens.
And you’re, maybe it’s a kissing rule.
And all of a sudden, you know, passion gets a hold of you.
And they’ve kissed someone.
And, you know, the woman will be like, oh, my God.
Oh, I’m so sorry.
It’s just a man, you know.
And then he looks at her and she looks at him
and they start to laugh.
And then they’re like, yeah, whatever.
And just go for it.
It was hot, you know.
And then everyone’s laughing and giggling.

[14:19] [Unknown] And yay.

[14:20] [Phoebe] A rule was broken.
No feelings were hurt.

[14:23] [Ed] That’s right.

[14:24] [Phoebe] The third thing is courtesy.
So you connected with your couple.
You accorded them.
You had great communication.

[14:34] [Unknown] And now, you know,

[14:38] [Phoebe] there’s these courtesy elements to the end of, well,
not only to the end of the evening, but during.

[14:47] [Unknown] Right.

[14:48] [Phoebe] Right?
So some women can be very loud and very vocal.

[14:54] [Unknown] It can be distracting.

[14:57] [Phoebe] It could be more of a performance or attention grabbing.
Just, you know, be aware of who is in the room.

[15:10] [Unknown] Sometimes it’s just normal and natural.
But if the other woman isn’t having the same reaction,

[15:21] [Ed] it may be a little off-putting or seem like a competition.

[15:30] [Phoebe] Yes.
Yes.
Because everyone moves at their own pace.
She’s with, she’s with, maybe she’s with you, right?
And her oral experience isn’t going to be the same as with her husband.
So maybe it takes her a little longer to get there as with me, right?

[15:47] [Unknown] So, or vice versa.

[15:50] [Phoebe] Maybe she’s just like, woo, you know, just having a good old time
and I’m sitting over there going, you know, it takes me a while.

[16:01] [Unknown] Right.

[16:02] [Phoebe] Right?
So the vocal could be a little off-putting, you know, just be a little sensitive to who, you know, who’s in the room.

[16:13] [Ed] And also be considerate of other people’s bodies.
So unless you’ve talked about it ahead of time and you are into these kinks
and you’ve agreed to these kinks ahead of time, things like hikis, bites,

[16:31] [Phoebe] anal, don’t just slip it in there without the conversation.
Because most people aren’t open to that in swinging.

[16:43] [Unknown] I don’t have an issue with it, but typically there’s a conversation for that

[16:49] [Phoebe] because it does require a little preparation.
Right.

[16:53] [Ed] Sometimes you need to prepare your partner that you’re going to have anal.
I’ve looked over a couple times and been like, oh, so that’s where we’re going.

[17:05] [Phoebe] That’s where we’re going tonight.

[17:10] [Ed] Negativity is a mood killer.

[17:14] [Unknown] In any social situation, people being negative kind of sucks.

[17:20] [Ed] So if you don’t have anything nice to say about the other spouse, don’t say it at all.
Just like grandma said.

[17:27] [Unknown] Right.

[17:28] [Phoebe] And you don’t, you know, just be respectful.

[17:32] [Ed] Keep it to yourself until after the party.
And then you can talk to your partner all you want about it.

[17:38] [Unknown] Exactly.
Courtesy.
Again, respect the rules of the other couple.

[17:45] [Phoebe] Don’t push their boundaries.
If you know what they are, just be mindful.
Don’t think you’re going to like convert them.
Oh, I’m the best customer in the world.
I’m going to show her what it’s like.
No, you’re going to be a soft swap.

[17:57] [Ed] But if I just slip it in, maybe nobody will notice.
Yeah, no.
Don’t, don’t, don’t be that person.
Yeah, don’t be that guy.

[18:07] [Unknown] After sex conversation.
It happens.

[18:14] [Ed] Usually you learn their names.

[18:16] [Phoebe] After sex, yes.
Usually afterwards.

[18:21] [Ed] Hi, I’m Ed.

[18:24] [Unknown] Where do you live?

[18:26] [Phoebe] Oh, yeah.
I say to you.
Compliment one another.
Keep your conversations pleasant.
You know, don’t, don’t drag it out too much.

[18:38] [Unknown] Unless you’re, you know, there together.

[18:41] [Phoebe] It’s, you know, maybe you’re the only one.
I mean, we’ve had really nice conversations on the bed.
We’re just chilling for 10, 15, 20 minutes.
We’re laughing, having a good time.
But then everyone sort of starts to feel that.
That need to like, yeah, you know what?
We might want to just get up and get our clothes on and go.
Right.
We’re outstaying our welcome.
It depends on who’s room you’re in, right?

[19:04] [Ed] Exactly.

[19:05] [Phoebe] So just be mindful of that.
Be careful not to compare body parts.
Because you don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.
Kind of like with being too loud and too distracting.

[19:19] [Unknown] I mean, of course, be yourself.

[19:21] [Phoebe] But be sensitive to other people’s differences.
We have been in a room before where someone has a partner.
One couple has said to another, oh my god.
You’re so big.
It was so great.
I can’t believe you’re just hung like a…

[19:41] [Unknown] And they went on and on.

[19:43] [Phoebe] And I felt so bad because it was somewhat awkward.

[19:46] [Ed] A little bit, yeah.

[19:48] [Phoebe] And you don’t ever want to chime in.
You don’t ever want to go, oh yeah.

[19:53] [Unknown] Definitely.

[19:54] [Phoebe] No, don’t do that.
Because…

[19:57] [Ed] Feels like you’re, you’re ganging up.

[20:00] [Phoebe] Yes, you don’t want anyone to feel left out.
You don’t want people’s feelings to be hurt.
And it’s just, you know, we’re all different.
We’re all blessed with all different types of gifts.

[20:13] [Unknown] Exactly.

[20:15] [Ed] And don’t be too eager to get together again, like right after.
In other words, don’t finish having sex and then set the next date up.
Sleep on it a little bit.
See how you feel the next day.
They have a conversation with your partner.
Right.
Because you never know, they may not be feeling it the same way you are
and you’ve just set up round two.
Right.

[20:41] [Phoebe] And it’s harder to back out.

[20:43] [Ed] Exactly.
It gets really awkward at that point.

[20:45] [Phoebe] Yeah.

[20:46] [Unknown] Yeah.

[20:49] [Phoebe] I would recommend thanking them the next day, you know,
for a wonderful time.
We always do that.
And, you know, potentially the hope of another great get-together.
Follow through in a couple of weeks and a month
if you feel like you had a really great connection
and maybe you can set something else up.
So we talked about connecting and courting,
whether you’re at home or swing a party or a hotel.

[21:16] [Unknown] We talked about communicating, being direct, finding out,
what their preferences are, what they’re into, what the rules are.

[21:26] [Phoebe] And then being courteous, being respectful, following up,
and respecting their rules.
All of those things, the three seas of swinging,
will get you very far in your swinger game.

[21:41] [Guest] Before you turn off our podcast,
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[22:02] [Unknown] ask us questions or share your comments.

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[22:16] [Unknown] Oh, one last thing before you go.

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