Welcome to this episode of our podcast, where we take a closer look at the world of swinging and nonmonogamy. In recent years, this lifestyle has gained more popularity, and we’re here to explore some of the reasons why couples choose to explore it.
We kick things off with a common icebreaker question asked among swingers: “How did you get into the lifestyle?” From there, we delve into the various reasons why people choose to explore swinging, such as adding spice to a long-term relationship, seeking new experiences, or exploring bisexuality. However, we also touch on the potential dangers of using swinging as a way to “fix” a troubled marriage.
Next, we highlight some of the positive aspects of swinging, such as the excitement of pleasing others, the freedom to flirt without any social repercussions, and the chance to learn new positions and techniques. We also discuss how nonmonogamy can feel like a natural choice for some individuals and how it’s becoming more socially acceptable, especially among younger generations.
We wrap up the episode by emphasizing how important open and honest conversation is with your partner when talking about swinging and nonmonogamy.
Have you ever thought about swinging and non-monogamy? Well, you’re not alone. There are many reasons why couples begin their journey in the alternative lifestyle or hobby. Whether you’re starting to think about swinging or you’ve been in a lifestyle for a while, we hope you’ll learn something new.
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Welcome to Swinger University with Ed and Phoebe.
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Now, one of the questions we always ask when we meet new couples is, how did you get into the lifestyle?(…) It’s a great icebreaker, and it kind of provides a little bit of perspective in terms of where they’re coming from.
Some people are in a 20-year relationship. Their kids are gone. They’re empty nesters, and they want to spice up their relationship. They want to try something new.
Some people only had each other as sexual partners, haven’t experienced any kind of sex outside of their primary relationship. They’re curious. They want to know what it’s like to have sex with other people.
And some people are bisexual. So maybe you were always and didn’t ever say anything, or you or a partner knew you were and you didn’t say anything, or you did and you just couldn’t do anything about it. All of the above.(…) Some people tend to, at different stages in their relationship, try new things, experiment with new things.(…) They become comfortable and safe, and they trust one another, and they decide that they want to share those different sexual experiences with another man or another woman. And so this is a way to do that as well. And still stay with your primary partner.
One of the other reasons some people get into swinging– and we are not recommending this at all. This is one of the don’t do it if categories. And that is fixing your marriage. So it’s one thing to add a little extra spice to your marriage. It’s a completely different thing.
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You have a sexless marriage, or the sex is really bad, and you’re looking to fix it.(…) Swinging will not fix it. It absolutely will break it. It will. It’ll tear it apart.
It’ll accentuate everything that is challenged in your relationship already and make it bigger.
Yeah. It magnifies those problems that you have in your relationship. So as an example, your husband doesn’t ever want to go down on you, and the lifestyle you find men who are all willing to go down on you, that’s going to make him look even more inadequate
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in your bedroom, which is not good.
Right. There are also sexually adventurous people, which are quite–
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well, honestly, now that I’ve been in the lifestyle for about 10, 11 years,(…) I think everyone is–
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well, now that’s not true. There are a lot of people that are not sexually adventurous. But it seems like it’s growing. It’s a growing trend, especially with the millennials. And we’ll get into that in just a second. But it’s quite common with the younger generations,
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and especially with those who are dating or finding.
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Yeah. They’re not even married, and they’re just doing it together.
(…) Yeah, a lot more open-mindedness. And we’re finding, statistically,(…) more and more couples are open to extra sex or extramarital sex. And it’s shown in popular media, television shows that talk about it.
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Lots of examples in popular culture where this is starting to come out.
In fact, we were at a party last week where we met a couple that go to parties together. But they’re not together. They don’t identify as boyfriend or girlfriend. They’re both divorced. They’re not interested in settling down. They have kids. They have lives. But they enjoy each other’s company. They have sex together, and they like to have sex with other people together.(…) So for them, it works. It’s not defined, but it’s defined enough where they have an agreement, and it fits within the Swinger community where they show up as a couple. And they respect one another and care for one another. So it makes that connection work. It is a little unusual, and that’s what’s kind of cool about swinging is it so many different definitions and ways of doing things. And it’s a little challenging sometimes to navigate.
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Yeah. One of the other experiences that we had early on was exposure to our neighbors, and their teenagers would throw house parties.(…) We would see flashing lights, loud music, cars parked in front, so we knew they were throwing a party. What we didn’t realize was they were walking around naked in their house. So we happened to see through the window that they were running around and basically wrapped in towels and open about all kinds of crazy sexual adventures. Right. Right.
We were not peeping toms. We were very concerned about the party because we knew they were underage. We did not have the parents’ phone number, and we stayed up late to make sure that no one got in their car drunk. Right. And it was a good thing we did because we saw some people leaving with carrying garbage sacks. And so we made sure that they got home safely and no one was driving drunk. Right.
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I guess we could have called the cops, but I don’t know. We didn’t. They weren’t bothering us, but I mean, they were underage drinking. We probably should have done that.
Yeah. But honestly, we felt that that was the parents’ responsibility and it was their house. And I didn’t want to really get involved with all of that, especially with how people retaliate sometimes. So we made a choice at that time. We did.
We did not get involved. We did. We did.
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Millennials.
Yeah. This kind of brings out the sexually adventurous people that are starting to come out.
(…) Millennials are in that 23 to 28 age range about right now. And they go for it. They really don’t care what people think. They’re out in social media. They don’t care if you know that they’re a swinger or have sex with other people or whatever. They define themselves as polyamorous.
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They’re just out. And I love it. I love the freedom. I love the way they express themselves and they just go for it.
Yeah. And a lot of their social media actually kind of inspired us to finally come out in front of the camera and do our YouTube stuff. Exactly.
But non-monogamy,
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you’re monogamous, but you’re doing non-monogamous type things, right? Because you’re not supposed to have sex with other people.
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For some people, it just feels normal, right? They grew up knowing that you’re supposed to be monogamous and have one partner, but it never really felt normal to them. What felt normal to them was having multiple partners.(…) And some of our friends grew up sharing their brothers or their friends’ partners as teenagers when they were having sex or in their early 20s. They just–(…) everyone shared everybody. And it was common and normal for them. I wish I had that. So envious of that freedom to just not be pigeonholed in a sexual box that you can only do this.
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So it’s amazing that some people just grew up like that.
We talked to a number of couples where there was one partner in that couple that that was just the norm for them. It was either a cultural thing or the area that they grew up in.(…) And they just felt natural sharing and having sex with whoever they wanted to.
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If only. If only I didn’t grow up in a very strict,
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non-hugging family environment where I went to parochial school with the little skirts and all that whole thing. Bountic-a-while? But maybe that’s what propelled me into the lifestyle today.
(…) Constrained and then released.
Constrained and released. I had to go to the opposite side to experience all of it.
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Other groups of people really like to get into swinging because of this sense of control over other people’s pleasure.(…) And it’s interesting because you’re starting to experience that a little bit more.
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But really, there’s something really sexy, something very hot about making other people orgasm.
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And that sense of I’m directly doing something that’s causing this other person to experience pleasure. It’s very hot.
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It’s very satisfying. It’s very–
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gosh, it’s so hard to describe. If you’ve done it, you know it. You know that feeling. It’s not an ego thing.(…) It’s almost like a euphoria. It’s that ultimate giving.(…) And you get high euphoric just giving somebody, being able to– I don’t know.
It’s almost a form of compression. Now, compression is usually referred to specifically with your primary partner and wanting them to be pleased. But I think even with secondary partners,
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you’re kind of deriving pleasure through their pleasure.
Yes.
So it’s not a control as in like a domination thing. Right. It’s a,(…) oh my god, did I do that? Yes.
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I know.
And it’s super, super exciting and sexy.
It is. It is.(…) Oof. I am loving it. I’m loving it. I’m loving the new experience with women.
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I’ve had that experience with men.
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But my new adventure is with women. And it’s very titillating.
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Now, flirting,(…) a lot of people loved to flirt. I have not been a big flirt. At least I didn’t think of myself as a flirt. You are a big flirt.
Guilty. Very guilty of flirting.
You love getting your flirt on. So that brings some of that excitement back into the relationship too. You’re flirting with other couples. And then that also creates spark in your own relationship. You’re flirting with your partner again. It’s just– it’s fun. It’s energizing.
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And flirting stimulates that primary erogenous zone that most people,(…) a lot of people, don’t think about. And that’s your brain.
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And having that stimulating conversation, having that the double entendres, having those images start to play around in your brain,(…) starts to get things moving. It starts to get the juices flowing. Exactly. And what’s really nice about the lifestyle, and one of the advantages for flirting is if you can do that without jealousy, because you realize it’s just foreplay, it’s just about the sex and the hunt and the kind of the kindling of that spark that’s going to happen.
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You can do it, and you don’t feel like there’s going to be social consequences for it. You don’t feel like you’re going to be reprimanded for it. So if you really like flirting,
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swinging may be in your back. Yes, exactly.
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Learning new techniques while you’re swinging, we have learned so much, so much.
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For example,(…) different kissing techniques we have learned from some good friends of ours in Virginia.
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We have learned different positions,
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like the side scissor position. We’ve done that, but then someone will throw in a variation to the side scissor. And you go, oh, didn’t know there was the side scissor with 10% better. So then you have that experience with another person. You bring it back to your partner, and you start to try it. And you’re like, wow, that really works for me.
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What was the other thing? Pressure,
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pressure on the pelvis where someone holds that pressure or not really moving. So I had that experience once about eight or nine years ago. And it was kind of hard to describe. First, I thought it was just the condom kind of getting in the way, and I liked it.
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But then I recently had someone do it again to me. They were still wearing a condom. But then I realized it was something different. It was just that hard pressure.
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And I liked that more than it allowed for some buildup without the distraction of movement.
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Yeah, and we haven’t played too much with tantric sex.
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But I can imagine that it is that lack of movement, but more of the pressure and the closeness and–
The breathing.
Yeah, and the breathing aspects to it. And this technique that you’re talking about with the pressure on the pelvis is less of the repeated thrusting and more of just that steady, deep pressure holding down and adding sensation to a larger surface.
Yeah, to the whole vulva area, which is all nerve endings for women.
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What’s interesting is even with those positions that you’re familiar with, a new partner may have a slightly different angle or a different hip movement. And if you can observe your partner doing that or having that experience, then you can take notes and you can try it yourself later. And sometimes it’s hard to replicate, but you just have to practice more.(…) Oh, darn.
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And I’ll touch on the kissing just a little bit, too.
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Some people don’t kiss, which is an interesting rule that will come up in swinging, but a lot of people do. And for us, it’s another one of those preludes and warm-up techniques and almost a little bit of an audition.
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And that’s really fun to kiss someone who’s not your primary partner. It kind of gets things– it’s very taboo.
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It kind of starts a lot of stuff. It does.
I know. I know. I love it.
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Oral–
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what we learned about oral was different pressure and different speeds, the flatness of a tongue versus a pointy tongue,
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long strokes versus short strokes.
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Every woman is different.
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You’re never going to hit it out of the park with your first outside of your marriage play partner.(…) But if you’re lucky enough to develop a relationship with a couple that you like and you can play with often, then you’ve also been communicating what you like and what you don’t like and what works for you. And so we’ve been fortunate to have a few of those longer-term relationships and partners that we can communicate with. And when we haven’t, I just step up and say something. I go slower, longer, harder, whatever. I give very simple, direct directions. And therefore, I get to have a better experience.
Yeah. And this is actually a really good example of how you can practice a technique in an alternative play situation, a situation not with your primary partner. It forces you to teach yourself to ask for what you need. Yes. And explain what feels good and explain what doesn’t feel good and what’s great is you can bring that back to your primary partner and your bedroom sex with your normal person will be even better because you’re better able to communicate what you need and what you want and what feels good and what doesn’t feel good.
Right. So your communication is improving, your confidence is improving, asking for what you want, the empowerment of taking charge of your own orgasm and your own pleasure by asking for what you want all starts to do this nice feedback loop back into your relationship and make it bigger and richer and more alive and fun.
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And more exciting. We hope you enjoy this re-recorded version of our first podcast here on YouTube. Hopefully, we have provided you with some examples to stimulate your imagination and inspire you to have meaningful conversations with your partner.
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Maybe we’ll see you at an event.
