Does your swinger card expire?

Picture this. You’re at an event that used to light you up. Same faces, same music, same vibe, but something feels off. The energy that once fueled you now feels distant. Your tribe has drifted, the thrill has faded, and suddenly you’re questioning if you even belong here anymore.

Maybe it’s nostalgia keeping you stuck. Maybe it’s the fear of missing out. But what if this shift isn’t a loss? It’s an invitation to something new.

Welcome to Swinger University. I’m Ed. And I’m Phoebe.

Today we’re talking to Kel from Expansive Connection, and we’re breaking down what it means when your desires evolve and how to embrace change without guilt. It’s time to let go of self-judgment, rewrite your story, and step boldly into the next chapter of you. Let’s dive in.

Kel is a certified adult chair coach, certified relational therapy coach, and certified… Oh, I knew I was going to mess that up. And na, na, na, na, na, na, na, gram. Emma, namma, namma. Kel’s going to fix that in a second here. Specializing in relationships using the adult chair model, she guides individuals in uncovering their true selves, cultivating self-love, and deepening their ability to listen to their inner voice. If you’re feeling stuck on the sense that life holds more for you, Kel will help you explore your path to a fulfilling one-of-a-kind life and turn it into reality.

She also works with singles and couples seeking lasting transformation in how they connect and communicate. With Kel’s guidance, you’ll rediscover self-love and reignite the spark in your relationships.

So welcome, Kel, and please correct my flub.

Thank you.

Yay.

Yay, welcome. We’re so happy that you’re here with us today because the journey of opening up your relationship and sharing your partner with somebody else in any form is challenging.

I know a lot of things to sample from, but sometimes you just can’t find what’s unique to you. And that’s why your guys’ service is so great and wonderful because you listen to people all day, all long, all week long. And you’ve got this wealth of information from a bunch of couples and singles experiences as they’re going through this journey. So we are super excited that you’re here.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

Speaking of evolving, so we’ve kind of titled this episode as an aging out, and that’s kind of our turn of phrase on the whole thing, but it’s less about age and more about maybe habitualization and like just doing the same thing over and over again. And it kind of loses its luster, right? It’s lost that new swing or smell, as we say. So let’s talk about that a little bit. Yeah, we ourselves are 11, 12 years in now, and we’re experiencing that type of lack of lackluster.

And some of it has to do with our tribe disappearing and trying to find a new tribe. Our tribe is fractured because things change. For some people, some of our friends, they say that they’re just too old. And I don’t agree with that. I think, I mean, I understand that that’s a perspective, but I know a lot of people continue that as they age. And then we also wanted to kind of get your feedback on how do you start again or make it fresh or how do you renegotiate all of that? So that’s kind of where we’re starting right there.

Right.

Yes.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Mm.

Right.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We know when we first got in, pretty much every event was like amazing. It was like a level 12 experience because it was new. It’s something that we’d never experienced before. It’s like having that new food for the first time or that new hobby that you have that you just invest everything into. And we kind of rekindled that as we went because it was a new location or it was a new group of people. And I think a lot of our kind of lack of NRE, if you will, is that we keep seeing the same people at these events and it’s become kind of like the typical crowd. And, you know, we’ve either run our course with that particular group of people or we just didn’t have an attraction to them or, you know, it’s just like, yeah, it’s going to be the same thing. And I’m just not excited to even show up at the party, let alone engage and move forward with that. So what are some things that we can do to help with that?

Yeah.

Right.

Right.

Hmm. Hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. We’ve, we’ve, we’ve done a little bit of that, that Y analysis and we, when we were under a lot of stress and we needed to, to keep the Y analysis, we needed to, to keep the Y analysis. We needed to, to, to regroup. We shut down the podcast for about three, it was supposed to be three months, but I said I need another month. And it helped us regroup and figure out that Y, you know, why are we doing this? And this was last year. And the reason we came up with is the community. We couldn’t just give it up. We knew it was so integral in our, in our lives that we had to, we had to keep networked and we started finding ways to do that and keep giving back. The podcast is one of the ways that we keep getting back when Ed and I sit down and talk together in front of the microphone. That’s one of my, these are some of my most favorite moments because we’re very, we’re connecting in a very real way.

And I think a lot of it is, is that very purposeful conversation. It’s the eye to eye contact conversation. And we’re engaging mentally and sharing information. We’re having fun doing it. And I, I didn’t want to stop doing that. And he didn’t want to stop doing that. And we did. We, we, we realized we do like to travel and we’re going to have to start traveling now because our community is somewhat fractured and different here.

And so we, we are starting to do that as well, but the, the focus has shifted too. It’s not, it’s not about the sex anymore. The, that, ooh, you know, somebody new and different, right? It’s not about that anymore. It’s, it’s about the people really, because you can just be so authentic with everyone. You can talk about anything and people are just very open and nonjudgmental and that’s what’s lovely. It’s, it’s very, it’s like being at a nudist resort, right? You just take off your clothes and you walk around and you’re like judgment. You just feel free.

And I, and that’s funny. I’m using that analogy because I don’t like nudists resort. I mean, I’m not actually really feel comfortable there. I can go, but it’s not really my thing, but it’s still kind of that.

Yeah. It’s that shedding of your preconceptions and your, your baggage, right? You’re just kind of dropping all of that and just being there in the moment with people and just, just enjoying it. Yeah.

Right.

So, maybe their needs change. Maybe the, one of their partners wants to continue the lifestyle. They want to continue having new sexual experiences, or maybe they decide, you know, it’s not, it’s not sex, it’s more, they want to experience maybe the BDSM side of, of those types of sensory experiences.

People who are, could either care less, or they want some, you know, we’re talking, you know, different, right? Things are starting to transition. Right. The, the wise, or are, have, have, you know, deviated, if you will. You know, they’ve kind of split a little bit.

Mhmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. (Silence) Mm.

(Silence) (Silence) Mm. Mm. (Silence)

(Silence) Mm. (Silence) (Silence)

(Silence) (Silence) (Silence) (Silence) (Silence) Mm.

(Blank Audio)

Great. (Blank Audio)

(Blank Audio) (Blank Audio) Yeah, we’ve definitely come to a kind of a consensus in terms of what we wanted to do. And we’d talked about traveling more and wanting to see parts of the world.

There’s so many things to see, right? Our bucket list just, it doesn’t get any shorter. We keep adding locations that we want to go see and things that we want to go experience. And we’re starting to think that maybe this travel aspect, you know, traveling to Europe, and we make it maybe a blended vacation. So a little bit of vanilla and a little bit of some swirl in there, and we get some sprinkles. We hit Amsterdam, we hit, you know, London, and we find a club. And we do that one night, but we’re there for a week. So it’s something different. We get to experience something different. We get to kind of maybe recharge some of that, that swinger energy.

But we’re still, we haven’t compromised, you know. Neither one of us have lost what we want to do. We’re just doing it a different way, as you said.

How do, what’s your advice for people that have a lot of FOMO? Because it’s very real. They’re in chats, or they see an event on Instagram or something, and they just, they want to go, but they can’t. Or they book too many, and their finances don’t allow for them to go, and they just have this, you know, just this doom of FOMO looming over them. What’s the best way to kind of break out of that or reset from feeling like that?

Great. Great.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm. Right.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm.

Right.

Yeah.

Right.

Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

There’s nothing we can do. And we all have to do a better job of trying to reframe our thoughts and think about things in terms of, well, what can I do about it? Like it’s okay to acknowledge those feelings, but like, now what are you gonna do about it? Where are you gonna go with this? So it’s fantastic.

I love that. Yeah, it’s like the, I always look at it as like the pie, the pie of life, right? Maybe the pieces of your pie got a little off balance where maybe too much time is spent on one area and you’re neglecting maybe another area and you need to kind of rebalance. And then that that FOMO is, like you said, right in your face and then digging down into it and going, what is it? Where, what is going on? Why am I feeling like this? And then you start to see, wow, I guess I could, I should, you know, could, should, try not to say should work on this, right? Look at this and supplement that in a different way. If I can’t do this, then like you said, I really like that idea of, you know, interjecting that fun in a different way. It pops into my mind too. It’s like, hey, all of our friends are at HIDO hanging out, doing their thing. Well, no, not all of them. You probably have friends at home who didn’t get to go to HIDO too. Maybe you have them over for, you know, a drink,

go out on a date night with them, go see a movie, like whatever, it doesn’t matter. Create your own fun space with the people who didn’t necessarily get to go. And, you know, it’s a great opportunity to reach out to people you hadn’t talked to in a while and say, hey, I’m feeling a little left out. So I thought I’d help, you know, help and contribute. And I haven’t seen you in a while. Yeah.

(Silence)

Right.

Hmm.

Right.

(Silence) Hmm.

Right.

Yeah. (Silence)

Yeah, it’s that kind of downward spiral, right? Where that sense of emotion that you’re feeling, whatever it is, if you sit in it too long, it just keeps building on itself, which is kind of crazy.

Yeah, and I think getting out and going and doing things, I think that’s been one of our solutions too. And a lot of times when we feel overwhelmed, we’ll go backpacking, we’ll go on a hike, we’ll go do something different. And it’s really hard to be in that couch mood and that kind of doom scrolly mood when you’ve got nature around you and birds flying and the sun is, you know, amazing, or it’s raining on you, whichever one, right? Like nature has a way of kind of breaking us out of that. So there’s something that each of us really enjoys doing. And I think that’s an opportunity, you know, a motivation to go do it. It’s, maybe you can answer this because it’s a brain chemistry thing. Is this tied into that whole fight or flight, kind of that lizard brain that we all have, where our brain really has kind of a, something’s wrong or I’m doing okay. And is it that that’s being triggered?

Nice.

Mm.

Right.

Mm.

Mm. Mm.

Oh.

Right.

Wow.

Mm-hmm.

Nice.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

Mm. Mm.

Right.

Right. Mm.

Mm.

Mm. Yeah, and it sounds like this is also something that we can kind of train ourselves to do, right? That whole fake it till you make it. So if you do tend to be one of those people that freezes

and you have this realization,

then you can start to say, well, I’m gonna take an action instead. Like you said, you know, put the phone down, don’t do that. So this is something that I think that we can train ourselves out of. And it’s just like, no, I’m recognizing this, and now I’m going to take a different action. That’s great. I like that.

I was also thinking about, you were talking and it triggered a thought in my head about

we’ve seen a lot of friends get in the lifestyle and they, you ever heard that term where

you’re fast friends and you just, you do everything together all the time, talk every day, and you just like burn out, like you’re fast friends and you just, you just burned the friendship out because it was so fast, so hot. We’ve seen a lot of our friends do that where they’re at every event, like every week, like Wednesday, every weekend. And then it just keeps, they keep amping it up and amping it up and all of a sudden they’re vanilla hunting and they’re like, you know,

having a yoga teacher, a vanilla yoga teacher and they’re like, oh, I’m gonna go over to their house and all of a sudden she, you know, there’s a threesome and like, like this, this is just the, (Imitates Thumping) These are very specific examples, by the way. And then, and then all of a sudden,

they’re gone, they just disappear and you’re like, whoa, what happened to them? They’re like, gone. It’s like this, this burnout. How do you, how do you, it’s like, I feel like it’s a drug, you know, where people just get addicted to that energy and then it’s just done. And I have a great amount of sadness over that because we’ve seen so many friends do that and then they don’t wanna have anything to do with, with anybody in the lifestyle. And even though I say, oh my gosh, we could still go to dinner. We’re not gonna like hit on you or, you know, we’re still friends with you. And they’re like, no, no, we can’t. (Mumbles)

And it’s always a morning process for me because I miss them and I want to be their friend, but they’ve stopped. So how do you like slow down or, I don’t know. I guess it’s like a drug. You don’t know your, any advice.

(Silence)

Right.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Danger.

Hmm.

Right.

Yes.

(Silence) Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

(Silence) Yeah.

Yeah.

(Silence)

Right, right. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I hate, I hate losing friends. It’s sad. Yeah. I get very attached to them.

You have anything else, my love?

Um, got this last one, which was the self judgment component.

Yeah, we kind of covered that. We kind of covered it, but the,

Kel, maybe you could do a little wrap up on, maybe just honoring that we want different things and it kind of goes back to that negotiation that I think you were talking about earlier. And then, you know, of course honoring our preferences and loving, loving the change, right? We get so used to, um, for like, yeah, I’m in the groove now. Things are going good. Cha, cha, cha. And then something happens, you’re like, (Imitates

a “I’m gonna do that part.” And just go, you know, it’s okay. It’s a change. We can work with this. It’s gonna be a little awkward. It’s gonna be a little uncomfortable, but it’ll be fine. And how do you have any other tips on how people can do that?

(Imitates A “I’m Gonna Do That.”) Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

(Imitates A “I’m Gonna Do That.”)

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I like that. It kind of takes us full circle with the whole why question and not compromising, but coming to that place of consensus where everybody’s kind of found a nice, happy place to kind of be. Yeah, that’s all. I, um, I’m not gonna do that. Yeah, that’s all.

I, um, I’ve used some self-talk a lot lately, especially when I had a friend that says, “Oh, I never experienced FOMO.” And I’m like, “What?” I’m like, “How is that actually possible?”

Which of course then triggered me even more. And I’m like, “Oh, crying out loud.” Like, I’m like, “Well, then what’s wrong with me? Like, why do I express?” Right, of course, you know, you’re just like, (Imitates A “I’m Gonna Do That.”) And you’re like, “Okay, stop it. Stop it.” You know, and then relaxing, doing the deep dive, and then recalibrating, figuring it out. And, um, of course, loving the process because I’m different than other people, but still, it bugs me.

Still, you can tell. (Imitates A “Meow”) (Laughs)

But we have figured it out. We figured out what’s working for us now, and it’s different.

But I like it. And our focus is more on the community and travel and those connections with individuals.

So, yeah.

All right, well, I think this was an excellent episode. And I really want everyone to know about all the amazing classes, courses, retreats, events, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, that Expensive Connection has going on this year, where to find your socials, all that good stuff, because you guys are a wealth of knowledge and a great resource.

(Silence)

(Silence) Hmm.

(Silence) Fine.

(Silence) Hmm.

Oh.

(Silence) Nice.

(Silence)

Nice.

Very, very cool. Lots of exciting learning opportunities for everybody. I know.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, I like…

Yeah.

Yeah. Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, podcasts are very one way. You get to hear us and what we’re talking about. And as an audience member, you can’t go, but I have this question and that’s really tricky,

which is a great segue to our conclusion. But before we do that, we wanna thank you for being on this episode with us. We’ve got a couple other episodes planned with the other members of your group to continue this kind of deep journey into all things self-help

and how to have those great dialogues with yourself and with a counselor or a coach

to be able to evolve as individuals. Yeah.

And together. And together, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, well, thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you.

Thanks for tuning in. We appreciate you joining our community. Don’t forget your homework. Tell a friend about our show. And if you’d like, leave a review and a comment because all of that engagement helps our videos to grow and our channel to grow so that more people can see them.

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And as we like to say, keep learning, keep growing and keep it sexy.